Heres to life

I apologize for being gone like forever, I just started school again, I have been spending time with someone new, who also happens to be old, and in general I just have a lot on my plate.

I feel the need to write this, however I kind of don't know how much of it I want to share.

I have been pretty stressed out for a whole array of reasons. Yesterday I tried explaining this to a friend who is unaware of the one situation, most of my friends are. So, I explained that one of my issues right now was a relationship issue. I don't know if she was trying to be nice, or just felt it was what needed to be said but she told me it would just blow over. Well, it won't. I really wish it would, but it isn't going to.

I love talking through my fears, yet it takes so much trust to do, theres very few people who see that side of me. I also love writing, it calms me down. I have done a lot of the talking part, total openness and honesty is such a feeling, I don't know if there is any other thing like it. Sure; it is really hard to be totally open, but it can happen if you are feeling comfortable enough at the moment. Somehow I enjoy these open and honest conversations so much better in the dark, alone and cuddling so much more than over the phone, but I will take what I can get. I really hope I don't lose the ability to have these conversations, they keep me going. In a way; I have no idea what to expect, in another I have decided to prepare myself for the worst, then at least I am not disappointed too much more.

Unfortunately, I believe he is preparing for the best, and as much as I really hope for the best, I am in a way expecting the worst or at least somewhere in the middle. I know that sounds really terrible, but I am not an optimist, I am quite a realist, even if that makes me a pessimistic at times. It stresses me out, it drives me insane and it makes me want to run.

I find it amusing he is so worried I am going to leave him, over this. There may become a point I can't deal with it for personal or professional reasons, but for now that isn't the case. If I wanted to run I would have done so already. This totally honest relationship we have is wonderful; but it is pretty intimidating. If I accepted getting into this, despite the problems, and with all strings attached you can bet I am going to do my best to make sure that these strings don't split us up.  If a time arises where I feel I need to make that decision, I will do so, but I will indeed talk about it with him.

I would love to say your past makes no difference and in so many ways it doesn't but it does. At the same time, it isn't something that needs to destroy your life. I am glad I can make you happy, and as much as this scares the crap out of me; when I am with you it doesn't matter. There was a time you and I would never talk, not like this. I am so thankful for your friendship, and for your willingness to listen. I hope I do the same for you. As I said before, I hope you understand, if I absolutely need to make that decision I will, but I don't see a point in worrying about that right now. We will see how it goes, and take it one day at a time.  For now; remember I am here for you no matter what.

Mending Broken Bridges

Last night turned into a night for mending broken bridges. I am so glad it did.
I am one of those individuals who cannot stand people not liking me, I hate grudges. If I don't know or never knew you I don't care but if at any point in my life you meant something to me, I need to feel like I meant enough to you, for us to be civil. I have realized recently that I do not always give credit to those who deserve it, and I give too much credit to those who do not, and lie to me. I feel that I have greatly let some individuals down because of this, and most of all - I have let myself down. Every relationship starts with trust, why can't they end with it too?


Unfortunately, it has become quite obvious to me that you will never completely be able to get over anyone you actually liked, and your relationships will be forever different, theres always the past and you can't do away with it. Unfortunately you also can't change it, or rewind and start over. I wish I could have really seen this through someone else's eyes before, it would have saved us both a lot of hurt. However, at some point we all find it hard to look at the other person's side of a matter. Both people need to be willing to do this, one can't accomplish anything, together you can accomplish everything.


I have always concluded that people do not change, however, I am beginning to reconsider, people do change, but it doesn't happen over night, it is a slow and gradual process, and unfortunately it usually isn't fast enough to be worth hanging in there the whole time.


I also think, I have changed a lot, for starts I have had some wonderful friendships I feel comfortable talking to those people, however none of us are perfect, they have lied to me, kept their share of secrets, and screwed me over at times. A relationship starts with friendship, it will never end in just friendship, but it might be worth it to deal with it rather than ignoring the problem.


If you were hoping this would explain my current mindset better, sorry you're out of luck. I haven't shared much of that with anyone.


I love my friends, and I do greatly appreciate everything you all do. I don't always agree and we all have our moments where we blow things out of proportion and create worse problems than the original one at hand. Talking things out helps, even if you think it is too late. If you ever were friends, it is never too late. We all love to be stubborn, but sometimes it is necessary to try to see someone else's side. Which, needs to be done by both people not just one.


...THANK YOU.