My 100th post!

Will not be in a grim mood! Amazingly!

We often underestimate the force we have upon other people. We often underestimate the forces they have on us. We may not be in a bad mood because of them, they may have nothing to do with it, but to see a friend in a bad mood puts us in a less than perfect mood, to see them in a good mood and have a good outlook and attitude towards life, improves our mood as well. We all reach points in our lives where we realize we need to change something in order to be happy, to find what we have been looking for; sometimes we aren't even sure what that is we were looking for.

Doubts
Lately, I have had a lot of them. When ever we seem to be making progress with one thing four more things step in to push us back. Some days it is just like why bother, this is more work than it is worth. We make it through though, we pull through and we end up on the other side of the tunnel with a smile on our faces because we were able to overcome it. We made it. Life is full of challenges and hurdles; some days I feel like they are all being thrown at me! One step forward, and four steps back; isn't that the story of my life, our lives, and most certainly our relationship?
I do not want perfection, I do not want everything to go the way I want it too, life would be pretty boring if it did, I just want a break once and a while and not feel like once again that we take one step forward to get pushed back four steps. I feel like we are getting no where, yet after we make it through one thing, I wonder why I ever questioned it before. We talked about this last night.

We will make it, we always do, we are stronger for it, and at the end of the worst of days, I know you are there for me, and I am pretty sure you know that goes both ways. We've got this!

Meanwhile; SMILE it really does get better than the worst days, and even when you feel like you are making no progress on anything realize you do not need to be miserable. Smile at the stupid things, smile for someone else's good luck and be happy you are still alive and have people who love and support you no matter how much you screw up and no matter where you are or what you did. Life is fragile, and you never know what is going to happen next. Be thankful for those who mean the world to you and make sure they know it!

LIVE ~ LAUGH ~ LOVE

99th published post!

After considerations, I never posted 100 posts, this is number 99.
Other than that the title is irrelevant, because I feel like ranting a bit.


What do you wish you could change about your significant other? Do not tell me nothing. We all love the "you are perfect just the way you are" quotes, but let's be truthful that is a load of poop. We all could use some improvement and we all should be striving to better ourselves. That should be our goal. So, we might not all openly complain about our significants to strangers but the truth of the matter is we are all annoyed with them at some point. I am 100% positive, mine also has some complaints regarding me; however, I am pretty sure he won't tell me them.

It comes down to, as much as I accept these parts, they still annoy me, and some days they truly tick me off. They do not seem to be worth breaking up over, but they are something that occasionally comes between us.

Occasionally, I want to be the center of the universe and want everything to be about me as well. Most days that I really could use a taste of that, it doesn't happen. This doesn't in my opinion make me pompus or conceited, this just makes me human and some days I am like the annoying little puppy that keeps chewing on your favorite shoe, I need attention.

100 posts! Almost!

When I posted the post about poems my blogger told me that was my 100th post! But then I realized only 85 of them were posted, so, I had to go publish some older posts so that they were public, things seem less personal when you wait a few months! So, there's new posts throughout my blog, I doubt your bored enough to look for them, but the flood on today is not really all from today!

I have been busy as heck lately. Life has been a bit less than kind! But recently I have helped make maple syrup, spent a lot of time with family members I usually stay away from and tried to keep my head above the water, which some days is not as simple as it should be! School is keeping me running on empty add in everything else, I have no energy for anything!

Meanwhile, the boyfriend and I are well, other than I am pulling teeth to get him to... how to put nicely.. find some independence..? That is a battle and a half and will be saved for a post of it's own.

Questions...Thoughts, musing riddles

I have a lot of questions floating around in my head lately, I don't wish to share my thoughts on most, but I will share the questions.

Relationships both sexual and friendship kinds

Are some people incapable of commitments?
Can you ever go backwards with a relationship?
Does true forgiveness actually exist or do we just pretend it never happened?
Can you ever be just friends after you have done more than that?
Will things ever be normal?
Will they ever be the same?
Do people change, at all? A lot? A little? Or Only because of huge life changing events?
Are there unsaid feelings after this long?
Why can't he and I speak now?
Is it necessary to stalk someone you "love"?
Is it ever okay to stalk someone?
Is it okay to check up on an old friend without them knowing?
Is it okay to check up on your ex?
Friendship is a two ended sword, one side wont stay sharp when the other is dull.
It isn't that I don't like you, I just hate everyone.

 Life and its issues

Does everyone worry this much?
Will I make it through this week without crying?
Why can I never get enough sleep?
Is it better to know before or after?
Can you really change the future?
How about the past?
Do things return to normal?
I am not smart, I am just easily intrigued.
Hibernation - I want to crawl in a hole and sleep for the whole summer to avoid all the drama, sure I'll miss good things but missing the bad would just make it worth it.

We are perfect

We have the most honest, most open relationship I have ever seen in my life. We hold nothing back, we hold no secrets and even though we do quarrel with one another, we work it out. Sometimes it seems like nothing works out in our favor, and this last week that has definitely held to be true. We still have each other, and as long as we are open and honest with one another we will continue to have each other. I love you baby, and I miss having a chance to talk to you, I feel like it has been ages, and in a way a week seems like a year because I have not talked to you. I have gotten word from you via your mom, but it seems so surreal. I don't know, but I miss being able to talk to you baby. I am sorry we fought all weekend, I do love you, and I am sorry we have our fights. We have an amazing relationship, and I truly want it to work. Don't give up on me baby, and don't give up on yourself. At the end of the day please remember that you are amazing and I love you, I am here for you no matter what. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

People Don't Think

People don't think, and you can't fix stupid.

Happy Halloween everyone. I am tired of hearing this week about how people constantly land themselves in bad situations. Bad situations find us all, life is far from perfect, people change and sometimes we all need to be a friend or be there for one who's having a rough time. However, if you don't want to so something because it is going to lead to something you regret or something that is going to hurt with

That's not how I was raised.

I am tired of girls acting like it is essential to have a guy in their life. A guy is an added bonus to life, one that can cause you a lot of grief or make it absolutely amazing; however, before I run off and have kids and get married I want to feel I accomplished something myself.

My version of Crazy Girl by Eli Young Band

Sometimes we argue sometimes we fight,
sometimes I just want to be mad at you,
let me walk away, I'll come back baby,
I have no intentions of leaving,
I love you like crazy.

Three months ago, the night we started dating, oh how things havechanged.

Life is perfect life's a mess. (don't worry 'bout a thing). My life feels perfect sometimes, other times I realize my mistake can ruin my plans. His mistake is ruining his life. And yet with him it doesn't seem to matter, I look forward to seeing him, and making him smile. He never smiles, yet when he's with me or talking to me I don't think he knows how to stop smiling. I feel as though this song or at least this verse describes me, well us, perfectly right now.
I asked him how work was and he told me it was pretty good, but then he realized that it just meant he was one day closer to court. He gave me a line the other day "take it one day at a time" it's working great for this us thing, I think he should apply it to that too. It's a giant storm cloud hanging over his head and he can't seem to escape. He's so worried what's going to happen he's hating every day. I know I've made his life a bit enjoyable this last week, and I want him to think about that instead for now. Don't get me wrong I'm afraid to death he's going to end up in jail too. He asked me last night if I'd be here for him if he ended up in jail, and I told him I would but I don't know to what extent. I will be here for him, but I don't know if I will be dating him if he's in jail, not because any reason other than it scares the shit out of me. I'm afraid.
I wanna take a back road home I wanna take the long way home, so I can enjoy your company just a little bit longer, maybe we can find someplace to park so we can sit and talk with no interruptions and stare up at the stars in the sky.

I don't know how we got here baby, we are moving way too fast, yet don't make it stop baby. I'm enjoying this way too much. Life is funny life's a mess, everything seems so crazy and yet it is so perfect.

If I were in a horrible accident and both of my arms were cut off, would you pick my nose?

Room to talk.

So, it just now occurred to me that the people who are giving me the most crap about choices I have made in my life have no room to talk.

Mega rant of the day...

Odds are this might tick you off.
If you are complaining about your boyfriend/fiancée/husband 24/7, leave.
If you are complaining about your kids 24/7, stop having kids.
If you cannot figure out how to stop having kids, stop having sex, you are not mature enough to raise them.

What is love to me?

We can all go about defining love, we will never agree.

I love that he tells me I am beautiful, all the time, no make up, wearing old clothes, covered in dirt after working, and feeling like crap he always reminds me I am beautiful.
He reminds me I am the 'most beautiful thing that has ever happened to him.' It reminds me how much I mean to him, and how he doesn't want to lose me.
The moment I enter the room, there is a smile plastered on his face and his eyes are only on me. That smile never stops when we are around one another.
He doesn't get annoyed when I am upset or annoyed over something stupid. He tells me I am cute when I am mad (which annoys me more...).
He listens to me complain about things, even if he doesn't agree. He usually takes my criticisms to heart too.
We are always honest, even if we don't want to be, or we try to delay telling one another, there are no secrets.

Poems, constructed this week, for class and a reject.

Five Senses

Summer

Smells like fresh cut grass.

Feels like a raspy bale of hay.

Looks like an inviting pool.

Sounds like fireworks.

Tastes like ice cream.

If I were…

If I were a frog,

I would spend all day in the water.

I would fall asleep on a lily pad.

I would play leapfrog with a friend.

When I tired, I would lay in the sun.

___ is…

Happiness is accepting the past.

Happiness is looking forward to tomorrow.

Happiness is smiling when you want to cry.

Happiness is seeing the good side in people.

Happiness is what allows you to get through the bad.

Haiku

The wind softly blows,

Through the leaves on the tree tops,

As the birds scatter.

Limerick

No one is really sure who,

But, the monster popped out and said “Boo!”

He came out of nowhere!

It was quite a scare!

Then the monster screamed “I want to play with you!”

Color

Red is radiant.

Orange is original.

Yellow is yesterday.

Green is great!

Blue is beautiful.

Indigo is interesting.

Violet is valuable.

Cinquain

Candy

Sweet and sour,

As I eat it I smile.

It tastes so good as I swallow,

Gummies.

I used to…/ But then…

I used to see the glass half empty,

but now I see it half full.

I used to get mad at everything,

but now, I let it go.

I used to want perfection,

but now I am happy with good enough.

Diamante

Outside

fun, bright

changing, exciting, playing

sun, bikes, crayons, rules

boring, constricting, reading,

same, lazy

Inside

 

Love is not knowing the future,

but staying anyways.

Love is supporting each other,

but disagreeing sometimes.

Love is not perfect, nor easy;

but it is through thick and thin. 

 (this one got left out of my ones for class.)

Advice

You never will know until you try.
You will never succeed if you never try.
You will never learn to walk without first learning to fall.

I don't have to like the things you do, to support you. I don't have to agree with everything you say to listen. I don't have to believe in your dreams to help you accomplish them. I just have to love you and help you realize how amazing you truly are.

Time is the truest test of love.

We can overcome anything life throws at us, after all we have made it this far!

Facebook.

Complaints

Photos

• No, you are not in that picture, I don't care that it says family and you think you should be tagged, for starts I do not see you, for seconds you are only blood related, you don't matter. 
• I do not want to look down your shirt.
• Is there a reason your boobs are the focal point of every picture you post? 
• Zip and pull up your pants. Really. 

Love

• We all love our boyfriends or girlfriends or we wouldn't be dating them. If you post it in every post it is over kill, just say it sometimes.
• You do not have the "best boyfriend in the world" no, he may be the best for you, he would be terrible for someone else. 
• There should be a rule that you cannot change your status more than once a week, if you are together less than a week why did you bother to start?
• If you change your status on facebook it is probably going to tick off your significant other. 
• If you don't want the world to know, do not post it.

Jobs

• You do not work for playboy.
• You are not a stripper.
• You are not a prostitute. 
• If you were you wouldn't be posting it on facebook. 
• You should not have to be told if you currently work at Walmart not to post images saying "lets burn down Walmart."

I am sure I will think of more. I might update this later.

• 
  

Control

This subjects been brought up a lot recently, how do you find yourself in an abusive relationship? Why is it so easy to stay, and why is it so easy to go back? It is easy to say you will never find yourself in that type of relationship; the truth of the matter is most of us will find ourselves in that situation at some point or another. Control seems to be ignored in relationships, or you always hear how 'there is no control in my relationship,' there is; you just may not choose to act upon it. In every relationship at some point or another someone is dominant over the other, someone holds the ability to move on, you both do, but one person is more likely to for whatever reasons. Think about it, who 'wears the pants' in your relationship?

The fact of the matter is it is really easy to end up in the whirlpool where you are being controlled through whatever means possible. I think we all understand the physical abuse issue. Few people take the time to understand the emotional abuse situations. It doesn't start out that way.

You are dating for a little while, he (or she) makes it very obvious they don't like one of your friends and is constantly complaining about them. Because you are sick of hearing it and you want them to be happy stop talking to this friend. After a while this happens with more and more friends of yours. Eventually you start to realize most of the people you depended on no longer are the people you talk to. The ones you still talk to are mutual friends or friends of yours that you introduced him to and also talk to him when you aren't around. You realize you really have no one you talk to but him and these mutual friends. When he starts complaining to you because one of those people who he doesn't like texted you, and starts yelling at you about how you broke his trust and how he doesn't know if you are worth his time, you break down in tears and yet you have no one you can talk to without getting in trouble. You spend every minute with him or alone. You talk to only those he approves of, some of which he later "checks in with" to make sure you didn't mention anyone you weren't suppose to. But you haven't talked to any of your friends in six months, what happens if you break up? Where will you go? Who will actually talk to you when you leave? Will those mutual friends speak to you again? Who do you call crying when he tells you that your not worth his time? Those friends you have blown off?

It is a lot easier than you would think to end up in that situation. I do not care how "strong" you are, if it happens it is really hard to break that cycle, as soon as you realize it is happening it is already too late. Well I have to tell you, your true friends will still be there for you when you come out. You will lose friends over it, you will find out who really is important and odds are those were the first few people you stopped talking to.


Do me a favor, when you realize this is happening to a friend. Do not push, no matter what you say it isn't going to help you have to let it happen and hope they come out of the relationship sooner instead of later. But BE THERE for them when they do. It is really hard to realize you really have no one because of that relationship. Rely on those friends who will take the time to listen to you (even if they are upset with you), the fact of the matter is it isn't just wimpy people who end up in these situations, they are just really hard to get out of even with a strong will.

Those in which we try to help

I have always been the type to try to help people. Sometimes I feel like I search for those who are lost causes. On more than one occasion I have been informed I try to fix people. An individual even told me once that I only date guys who need fixed and once they are fixed, I give up and move on, because I enjoy the challenge. I am not sure this is the case. I believe in some ways or forms we all need fixed, whether we have trust issues, or things in our lives that are uncontrollable.
At some point we all find someone who we wish to help, sometimes we learn that the 'problems' are more contrived in their minds than something we can really help them with. Other times; we realize these problems are unsurmountable.
One person, one support, and one smile really can make a world of difference in someone's life. It is an amazing feeling to know that you have someone who will love and support you through the thick and the thin. It sounds like a trite saying that one person can make a difference. At some point we all need someone to help us through the ugly, support us through the bad and to celebrate the good. You may never know how much of a difference you made in someone's life; but maybe you will. Help anyone you can, and be the friend you want to have.
Other times, the help you are trying to give, is a serious waste of your time. You cannot help those who do not wish to help themselves. You cannot change the past, you can not un-write today; life doesn't have an eraser. Sometimes we think we are doing someone a favor by helping them out, but they don't want to be helped. We are not doing anything at this point. In order to get out of a bad situation in life, or even a bad state of mind, you have to want to do it for yourself, you can have the whole cheer leading squad screaming at the top of their lungs to root you on, it doesn't do you any good if you don't want to change. Saying you want to, isn't enough either you have to really want it, and sometimes you have to get hurt, or things have to get harder before they get easier; that is life.

How did we get here..?

I asked my parents if I could go out, I did not say where I said I was going to see someone, and I did not know who. I knew who, and somehow I felt you were the only one who wouldn't yell at me or judge me for what I was about to tell you, I had been talking to you a little bit lately, and I knew I could trust you, because I figured you had enough demons in your past you had no right to judge me, and if you did, I had stuff on you as well.
Over six months later I look back at this and laugh. This was the first night in the last four years we actually hung out without being mean to one another just to prove a point.
I never called you, I never said I was coming over, I knew you would get home sometime after eight, we had been talking at about 8:30 or nine o'clock for the last few weeks. So, when I left my house that night I headed to your house, except I hadn't ever driven there and I had only been there once in the entire time I had known you. I ended up trying to figure out what road you lived on, and I called your house after a few frustrated attempts. Your mom gave me directions, and eventually asked who was calling, I told her and she acted like I was her long lost friend.

Needless to say the last time I was at your house was just before my 16th birthday, I received my first kiss in your bedroom while my dad was talking to your dad and we escaped for you to show me something you had in your room, I really at the time did not care. We kissed, it was perfect, yet so so awkward. We were there because my dad was buying a gun off of you, and you and I had been together for some time. You pushed a bit further than I was comfortable with, and eventually like every time we dated in our high school years we did not last all that long, however I think that was the longest we ever did last, and you waited a while for that night. (P.S. You are a much better kisser now than you were then.)
When I knocked on your door, I was nervous I have no idea why exactly. Your mom told me to come in and she gave me a hug and started talking like I was just there last week. Needless to say, I did not totally remember your mom, an d I ad no idea what I wanted from you. I just needed to talk, to anyone, and I knew you would listen. We talked until you got home, your reaction when you came through the door was the same reaction I have gotten every single time you have seen me since, somehow your face lights up. Initially you were complaining whose truck was in the driveway, but you got over that quick. You gave me a huge hug, I really did not want one. I asked you to keep your hands to yourself.

I don't know why I felt I could trust you, other than I was pretty sure you would keep any secrets I disclosed. Little did I know when I showed up that night, you needed me as much as I needed you.
You went and took a shower, and I waited for you, when you came out, you asked where we were going. I had not at all thought that far ahead. I wanted to be alone with you so we could talk without anyone overhearing us, and yet I did not trust you, nor myself, to be alone. You asked about going to the casino, and that is where we went. We talked a bit, we played some slots, and eventually we left, it was rather early yet, and I asked you if we could go sit and talk. On the way, I reached over and touched your leg when you were saying something, mostly because I felt like you needed some reassurance that you were safe with me, you jumped half way through the ceiling of the truck. We found a place to park, with total silence from everyone around us.We did just that- we talked.

I was not expecting that to turn into anything more. However; you kept trying to comfort me, and when you started talking and opening up, I started doing the same.
Somehow I ended up sitting in your lap with your arms wrapped around me staring up at the stars and talking about everything that came to mind. Eventually we got cold and got back in the truck and left. I took you home, and after that I stayed for a bit, still just talking about life. That is all we did was talk, about anything and everything nothing was off limits, even if it was negative, or it was going to scare the other one away, it was out on the table and we promised not to judge one another that night. After that I made every attempt possible to come over, and I did so, every other night, sometimes every night. We ended up getting closer and closer.

Makes me wanna take the back road home...

(and yes my friends, that is a turtle.)

Things people say we have

Luck
I hear all the time how "lucky" I am. I don't think I am lucky at all. I have often heard how lucky he and I are. We are not lucky. If we were we wouldn't be in the situations we are in now. We carry on. We get through each day because we are determined to and because we get the faith we need from one another.
Perfection
Perfection is a myth. There is a point where you take the good and the bad and you stop worrying about who is going to stand behind you in the tough spots. Things get hard. Things are far from perfect. As good as it can be is perfection. When you have nothing in your control you want to change, that is perfection.
Strength
Everyone feels the need to say how strong we are. We aren't any stronger than anyone else. We feed off one another and some days it is totally one sided. Some days I need the reassurance and some days he needs it from me. On a rare occasion we both need it.
Communication
This is where we have it made. We talk. We talk about everything. We don't hold much back. This is the key to our relationship. It has not always been easy. For a few months we struggled to talk for like two minutes a day and wrote our hearts out in letters. However; we made it! We will continue to make it through whatever life throws in our faces. I am often told by friends how they don't know how I do it. Well, there is my secret communication, communication communication. Talk. Talk about everything. Be open to new ideas. Listen when you don't want to hear about it. Don't be judgmental. Don't say a word when they are ranting their heart out, shut up and listen. Be reassuring. Give support when needed. Hold your opinions back when you need to. If your others in tears, smile and help them through it, your opinion can come in later.

What would you be willing to endure?

What would you be willing to put yourself through to see if you can find love?
It is not guaranteed, it never is.
How long would you wait for someone?
A week? Could you go a whole week without talking without doubting them? A month? Could you go a month without hating them for whatever the situation is? Could you go a week without seeing one another? A month?
Apparently I give a lot more than most people are willing to in relationships. I have waited two or three months for someone, and tried really hard to keep their spirits up and help them through something that was not easy to get hurt in the long run. I have also waited two months for someones past to become the past, and still struggled through it even though it was not my mistake.
It has became apparent to me that most people would not do the same in the same situation, even if I have previously written that I would hope most would do the same when faced with the same situation. I have become aware of situations where people I have the utmost respect for, did not do the same thing in a similar situation. Would you wait for someone who is facing medical problems? For how long? Would you be there for them through 'thick and thin'  or would you be a bit of a coward and run? Would you wait for someone in the military? Who is trying to better their own life and create a future for themselves? College? Jail or prison? For how long would you wait?
I wish people would take a minute instead of complaining about how they cannot find happiness in their lives to realize you get what you put into a relationship. If you give your all, you may get it back, if you give nothing, even if you get all in return, you still won't be happy. Take chances, give it your 110% and never ever give up, when things get hard, smile your way through and remember if you make it, it will be worth it. If you don't you pick up the pieces and move on; you can't complain how you cant find love if you aren't giving it, or taking chances.

I have a secret

If you are insanely jealous of someone, maybe you do need to worry. By being in a relationship you should be able to trust the person you are with; or you should not be with them to begin with. If you feel that they could do a lot better than you, well maybe they could. Maybe if they wanted to be with someone different they would be. Seriously if you have that many jealousy problems, deal with it, talk it out, get some help, something; or it will tear you apart. Relationships are founded on trust and you need to trust the person your with and if you can't then you don't need to be together.
We all would like to believe we would never let someone control who we talk to, yet we have all done it, or will do it, we may do it without realizing it, but the results are still the same, we eventually isolate ourselves from those who are our support system until we feel we truly have no support system, then if that relationship falls apart we are left begging our once friends to think about talking to us again, when in reality we probably do not deserve these friendships. Should these friends allow us to pick up where we left off? Should they be mad at us? What happens when they do the same thing to you in return? How will you react? How will that make you feel? It will more than likely happen.

Some things are worth the battle; and some are not

Previously I have ranted about things worth fighting for, well some things are not worth the battle. I don't need to agree with everything someone says to support them and be a friend of them. I do not need to like the choices you make to support you. However; if it is not worth fighting over then let it go! Some things I may not like, but it is not worth fighting over. It isn't worth the arguing, nor is it worth the aggravation of getting mad at one another.
Some days people seem to pick fights over stupid things. If you have bigger things to worry about, then worry about them, not the stupid things. It is not worth the stress, the aggravation, nor the headache of arguing.

What it is worth...

Sometimes we all wonder the consequences our actions will have, but the truth of the matter is most of the time we do not stop to think about this. What will happen if we do or say a certain thing, what will happen if we don't?
What we say and what we do have a huge impact on everything and everyone around us. Our past can come back to bite us in the ass and our good deeds can bail us out of tough spots.
Sometimes it is all a matter of weighing the cards, or forgetting to. What is your freedom worth to you? Do you have to worry about it? You bet you do, the wrong words can lead you in jail or dead, the wrong comment can lead you to a spot where you wish you were dead, and the wrong restrictions can make life seem almost not worth living.

You inspire me

It seems really strange.
How can you inspire me?
We have our own battles.
You have went through a lot.
You have kept your faith.
You and I have kept our faith in one another.
We have came so far.
We have our battles with one another.
We have obstacles.
We talk through everything.
We work through everything.
Somehow no matter how bad things get.
We come out smiling and holding hands.
We are not perfect people.
We are perfect together.
We have the perfect relationship.
I could not ask for more.
I could not ask for more.
We make it through whatever life throws at us.
Sometimes it seems like more trouble then it's worth.
I could not ask for a more open relationship.
I could not ask for a more accepting and understanding guy.
I trust you with my life, my well being, and most importantly my heart.
I absolutely love you with all I have.
I would not trade what we have for the world.
I am totally me when I'm with you.
Yet you give me butterflies every time.
You always are there to cheer me up when I need it.
You are always able to calm me down and make me relax.
You always make me smile.
I love making you smile when I enter the room.
I love being the girl you don't want to live without.

Plans of our own

I feel like everyone around us has already started their lives. Everyone around me seems to have a ring on their finger, or a baby on their hip. None of them seem to have both, which says something about society. I really really would like to be married before I have a child. I don't know if I am quite ready for that, but I don't want to push it off for too long so that I can enjoy and watch the child grow up and be able to meet my grandchildren if they decide to have their own.

I am the first in my family to go to college, I will be the first to have a stable career instead of a million horrible jobs making minimum wage. I will make something of myself. I will not become rich, nor famous, I don't want to be, in the future though if I do have children I want them to feel free to do whatever they would like to in life.
I grew up in a household with very little extra money, we always ate, but not much was ever guaranteed. Once a month the phone would get shut off because the bill didn't get paid, or we couldn't go on the trips at school because we couldn't afford it.I skipped out on going on my senior trip in high school because we didn't have the money, I refused to ask at some point to join sports or activities at school because we couldn't afford the fees that were required to do so. When I did end up joining band-front, I missed practice on a regular basis because I did not have a ride home because my parents were working, or because we just did not have a stable vehicle.  When it came time to apply to colleges, I only applied to those who gave me fee waivers or the schools had free applications. I never visited the school I ended up going to until after I had been accepted and decided that was where I was going. In high-school I was often babysitting for my sister or other family friends. My parents hesitated doing so, but borrowed money off us kids to pay the bills. I do not hate my parents, they did the best they could do. I am glad to be the person I am today. I do not know if I would be the person I am without the struggles and hurdles. However; I do not want my kids to have to face similar battles.

We discussed in class one day how if you come from a poor background your going to remain in one. Well it is true and miracles do happen, but the truth really is that it is hard to move from class to class. If you are raised in a low income environment you struggle all the time to improve yourself. If it were not for my very very determined parents who work their asses off to make sure my tuition gets paid, and really did push the idea as kids that we could be who ever we wanted to be, I would not be where I am today. In reality, I never stood a chance of being a doctor for starts it isn't something I was ever passionate about, but I was never provided the opportunities in school or at home to excel in the subjects required for that. If that was my goal, I would still need to struggle through 8 years of education, which I would not be able to get loans for because I do not qualify for them now. My parents would not be able to afford paying for it out of pocket either. Maybe as a result of social class and situations I never really thought about wanting to do that, I just wanted to be what I knew, I have no idea, but I have always wanted to teach. I am passionate about it.

"You can be whoever you want to be" is a lie, but with love and support and a heck of a lot of determination, you can become something better.

I do not hate my parents, I love them, they have pushed me my whole life. And as a result I am almost where I want to be. They have done the best they knew how, and they did a pretty good job apparently, because I turned out just fine.

Love like crazy...

So I am currently rocking out a bit, and thinking about how amazing love can be. I am so sick of reading a million changed relationship statuses on facebook and a million more people being like "you are better off without h (-im/-er). Relationship are best when you both keep your own wants needs and desires and mesh somewhere in the middle; sometimes it doesn't work, but when it doesn't then you don't need to beat yourself up over it, it was not meant to be that way. Your happiness is the greatest need in the world.
Do not get me wrong every day isn't perfect. There are days you will want to kill the person you are with even if you yourself know it is kind of ridiculous you are that irritated. Some days you will lose some of that faith you have in your relationship you really will. When life throws a lot in your face though, you know you can make it through it. Even if it seems like some days you only believe it because you need your partner to believe it.
This week again we shall cherish like it is our last week to live, and right now, I just want to savor the moment and what we have together. I have never put so much value in a phone call, into a friendly ear to talk to for hours when I need to vent, until I lost those things. When we lost each other in a sense we learned to appreciate those small things, we learned things can always be worse. They very likely may get to that place we call worst again very soon. However; we have each other to look forward to. We know we can make it through this whole mess no matter how hard it seems some days- in the end it will be worth it. We can move on with our lives, our life together. We can make a future and eventually when this mess is over we can make plans and live our dreams... together.

And if things do get worse, a million more love letters and some more cheer will be sent to my dear love, even if I have to fake the smile to do it. We have helped each other through a lot, and this too shall pass, and the day we can say this whole mess is behind us; both of these messes, will be an amazing feeling and a wonderful day.

Love conquers all

Some days everything seems impossible.
Then we remember who we have depending on us.
Some days this is overwhelming, and scary.
Sometimes we feel alone in this world.
Or that we are carrying the weight of the world alone.
Some days it is so hard to start anything.
Once it is started it is never hard.
Other days the right words just won't come.
Sometimes the tears are easier to access than the comforting words.
Sometimes we need to laugh, so we do not cry.
Sometimes crying is the only thing we can do.

A New Year, New Beginnings

A new year, new beginnings.
While this new year comes with problems all of its own, I feel relieved to put the problems of last year behind me in my past, and look forward to the future.
This past year was full of unexpected twists and turns, ones I expected, ones I didn't and a few I don't think I would be who I am without.

I started this post a few days ago, now I look back at it and have a lot more to say.

Some things are indeed worth fighting for, they are worth the energy and frustration of fighting. Giving up is the final option, and we should never feel it is the only option when something matters to us as people. The easy way out is to lay down and take what is thrown your way, or quit all together, but it is not what is for the best. Never take the easy way out. Never let people walk all over you because you feel it is easier than fighting and faster. Fight for everything you love and care about, never give up, never give in.

You were so tempted to lay down and take whatever life threw your way, you were so tempted to take whatever was given and accept it as fact. I don't care what happens, never take credit for something you did not do that is going to ruin your life further than it already is destroyed. Fight with all you fucking have. This does not define you, I wish I could stress that enough. This too shall pass, and I don't care if it is faster to accept what is given and bite your lip, it isn't really beneficial, fight with everything you have in you, if you lose appeal the fuck out of it, never give up. I realize fighting the system is not going to be easy, but you shouldn't need to accept it as a fact when it is a lie.
I love you. We have eachother, we will fight this, together.

What do I want for us...

I have been thinking about this a lot.
I have been thinking about my future lately, somehow he seems to be a part of my plans too. I want to grow old with someone and be happy, I want to have a family, I want to own something of my own. I want to go to bed each night cuddling with a man I love. Some day I want to have a child, and spoil it rotten. I want to have a career and find my own happiness.

Merry Christmas

So what did you want for Christmas this year? Was it simple and easy; or a long list and complicated? What I wanted most was complicated beyond doubt; yet I was not asking for a lot.

For Christmas I wanted to see three individuals I had not gotten a chance to spend time with for the last few months.
Somehow everything I wished for came true; I got to spend time with all three of them.

Perfection is not when everything goes how you want, perfection is when nothing does but you manage to be happy anyhow. I have found my version of perfection, it isn't perfect we have our battles we have our obstacles yet we also have one another. I could ask for a lot more, I could ask for simplicity, yet I don't know if we would be here if everything was perfect. I don't think I would want to chance that. I know I can't control what obstacles we have currently, so, why bother? We have found happiness. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

Rules and regulations...

I haven't had the chance to complain yet; or I haven't wanted to. Rules and regulations are changing our relationship right now so much. I do not wish to complain here; I wish to shed some humor on our situation in it's crazy way. Despite rules, regulations and a million complicated things; we have one another and it is absolutely perfect.

1. No Internet access -
Everything in today's society requires wifi to function. We have wifi on our phones computers and iPods. I am writing this on mine now. Most devices auto connect and we don't think about it.
So, he uses his iPhone as an iPod touch, apparently you can set restrictions on almost everything down to how old the apps are intended for.
I feel like a parent setting up controls for my four year old, password protected so he can't access it.
I restricted him from his phone, and helped restrict him from life I decided.

2. No camera
Try finding a cell phone without a camera. Really. He isn't allowed to have a camera on his phone. It is not easy to do because we all look for tech savvy phones, phones without cameras are hard to find especially when you are looking for one to use on a plan. I found one for the dearest, it was cheap too, but still hard to find.
His iphone, also had a camera and I locked him out of that as well.
Thanks iPhone for allowing me to restrict my boyfriend as if he's four. :-).
I told the dear that if he still can't use his iPhone because of the camera and just wants it as an iPod, if it was an issue to let me know and we would trade for a while.

3. House arrest-
Total house arrest for two weeks means a few things; one of which is I now have the ability to spoil him instead of him always spoiling me. What better of a girlfriend can you get that brings you chocolate, your favorite soda and sunflower seeds. Or, a new cell phone so that you have a phone. He always spoils me, now it is my turn. Plus he is mad I got him something for Christmas. I got him a video game, so it will occupy his time a bit and make this a bit better and less tedious on him. I know he can't buy me anything right now, he doesn't have it, and he can't go anywhere. The thing is I don't want anything! I already got what I wanted for Christmas I don't want a dang thing more.
My parents made a joke that the person who pulled in and left here was "one of my boyfriends," I laughed and I'm like I only have one boyfriend and I can tell you exactly where he's at.
The ball and chain keeps him on a short leash... 'cept it isn't me with the leash.
He hasn't had much of a chance to get bored yet, so he isn't going too insane yet. I have been over there almost every day of the week. His monitor is digging into his leg pretty badly, which sucks.

4. What they can't have-
They can regulate as much as they want, there can be a million rules and a million things that are simply put annoying as heck. However; there is some things they cannot take. They cannot take our love away, they cannot take away the feelings or the trust we have for one another. So, no matter how bad it seems, we got this, we will get there one day at a time. Even if some days it seems like the world really is out to get him in trouble.

Never giving this up

“As long as the ties that bind us together are stronger than those that would tear us apart, all will be well.”

My mind has been racing, nothing seems to make sense and some days it just seems to be so much crap it isn't worth it. Yet, a bit of time together a lot of talking and I have remembered why I stayed through this whole mess to begin with. I couldn't give this up if I wanted to even if it it overwhelming and complicated. Nothing is simple, and yet it doesn't even matter. I have all the faith in the world we can get through whatever life throws at us, because we are stronger together. We have got this.

I spent the night cuddling last night, and talking. I feel like I have totally occupied his time since he came home. It has been perfect though, I have reconnected with my dearest love and it is amazing. Together we have got this, it doesn't matter how much crap we need to overcome, I wouldn't want it any other way I am happy, I know he is happy, and that is all that matters. Love conquers all things. It is so amazing to be able to talk for more than three minutes, without it costing a fortune and having that in the back of our mind the whole time we are talking. It feels amazing to just hold one another close, and not let anything come between the two of us.

This morning, he must have had a bad dream, he rolls over and says to me; "With any luck babe, maybe I'll get out today..." "Haha, babe, where are you getting out of?" "...never-mind."

A little bit of Love will get you through anything life throws at you.

Perfection

Sometimes the fact that we already gave up on something just makes it that much more rewarding.
Wishes do come true.
Christmas has brought me almost everything I could possibly want.
I am so glad to be home.
I am so glad to spend a holiday with all of the people who make my life complete.

Last night I had given up.
Your mom called and I sprang up.
Butterflies in my stomach,
I rushed over to meet your parents.
I stopped and grabbed your vices.
I knew all you needed was me.
But for you, anything.
Waiting for you outside took forever,
The trip over was way too long.
I just needed to touch you.
To feel you, to hold you.
And then I did,
We were probably the obsessive couple
To everyone around us,
We couldn't keep our hands off one another.
And we talked,
Something we haven't been able to do
In what feels like ages upon ages.
GASH did I miss you my dear.

Never let go, just hold me tight, if not in your arms then in your heart.

You restored my faith last night dear, and it was an absolutely perfect night, what more in the world could I ask for? I am so glad you are home, and so glad to be able to talk to you for more than 2 minutes at a shot. I can talk to you whenever I want, and I can come cuddle with you whenever possible.

Life is good.
Love you.

One day at a time my love

Today had our hopes up.
It was something to look forward to.
I encouraged you to dream big.
Yet I apologize for getting your hopes up.

I don't care if it's tomorrow,
Next week or next month, or next year.
We will get there baby.
One day at a time. Together.

I am not going any place,
I am not giving up on you,
I'm not giving up on us.
I truly do love you.

We will get there together.
One day at a time my dear,
Even at the worst
We are getting closer everyday.

Hang in there my sweetie.
Keep your head up, and we will get through this mess. Together.

When do you give up?

When is it time to give up?
You cannot have a relationship without communication. I don't mean "hey, how are you? love you, bye". I mean actual talking. You need to know what is going on physically and emotionally. Sometimes this just isn't the case. Sometimes there are a million reasons why this is difficult, but seriously you can make it through anything by communicating. It doesn't matter if you spend 10 hours a day on the phone (P.S. that isn't communicating that is just being obsessive,) or a minute, or if you don't even talk every day. There is letters, there is email, and above all, when you call or write or text, you need to actually talk, or express yourself.. and how you are feeling and doing, not useless menial things that do not matter.
Is it ever wrong to give up?
Is it wrong to give up on something when at the moment they need it the most? Is it right to push something for someone else's sake when it may or may not be what is the best for you? Sometimes is it essential? I might be the emotional intelligence individual in the grand schemes of things, but when do you give up? Usually I would tell people as soon as you start asking yourself that question. Given the situation I have no idea, we all have doubts at some point or another.
Is it ever right to stray?
Have you ever done something stupid because at the time you felt like you just needed or wanted to do it? Have you questioned if it was right forever afterwards? What is cheating? What is straying? Most guys seem to have the attitude "I can look, I just can't touch" yet I feel like that is not the attitude they want their girlfriends to have. So, when is it wrong? At what point is it too far? When is it alright? Is there ever a point where you don't give a shit because seriously everything is wrong? Does that make it okay?
What is better, the truth, or leaving it out?
Most of us pride ourselves on telling the truth. Every one of us has been guilty of "leaving it out" which is just a way to lie and make yourself feel good about it. We all do it, on a daily basis, we don't tell someone when someone says something mean about them; we roll our eyes when we disagree with someone. So when do you leave things out and when do you fess up? When it is weighing on your mind, or never? Is there ever an appropriate time to fess up? There is lots of times where it is not appropriate for sure. 

School

I tutor at an elementary school for an after school homework help program. I started about two months ago, and it is twice a week for an hour at a time. I have had some fun experiences so far with it. The first day I was over there, I discovered I knew one of the students from my placement for early field last year, and some boy yelled at me for smiling at him, I was later informed he is labeled emotionally disturbed and I let it go. After that the teacher who is in charge kinda took over when ever this student raised his hand or needed help. Yesterday, I was floating around and helping students as soon as I walked in. I said hi to him as usual, and all nothing really was uncommon. Floated around helping students, and while I was helping a group of students the supervising teacher asks him if he needs help, and he tells him no he wants me to come help him! So I went over and helped him. He then finished his work and helped me help the girl next to him on math. It was not anything that was a big deal, but this student doesn't like people he doesn't know.  He picked me to help him, out of the normal teacher and two other volunteers.

Change

Today we were asked if we felt we had changed since coming to college. I know I have. I have grown up in the small town everyones got your back kinda way. I came to a city where I knew no one, to change myself. I wanted to see things through other perspectives. I must admit I want to go back, fast food and walking to the store is nice, but there's nothing like the small town atmosphere. The thing is I can't go back. I have adapted so much to living in essentially on my own, where no ones got your back but a few individuals. It is different, but while I have expanded my own horizons home has changed without me too. Home always changes when you leave, but for me it's like the industrial revolution has taken over the place I call home. Huge changes happen to all of us.
If you told me when I left for college that I'd have a forever friendship with the guy I was dating, but we wouldn't last long; my high school sweetheart and I would end back together, natural gas would change all I know at home, and that I'd be introduced to a whole new culture and set of ideas I would have been even more afraid, and probably would have argued with you.
College isn't about learning things in classes, although I am much more knowledgeable then I was a few years ago I am sure just by the way I talk and the way I think.  I have always been quick to associate things and grasp new ideas in my life. College was about the experience, and I don't mean the drinking experience, I do not do that.

Thankful Me

Some days we are all guilty of taking people for granted. We don't always make time to think about the people who mean the world to us, we don't do it intentionally. We all use the line "I don't have time" that is impossible, a minute of your time can be used to do a million things (like write a blog post about this instead of working on my unit...). Somehow we all get wrapped up in whatever is happening in our lives we forget the best part, our friends, and the people who keep us going. Yet we never hesitate when we need them, we might hesitate a bit because we don't want their opinion, and we know they will give it, but when we need someone to talk to we know who we can call- no matter what. We know who we can call or talk to when we did something stupid and we don't want to be judged. We know who will kick someones ass for hurting us. Somehow at some point we are all like "I was busy, I didn't have time," yet when we do end up reconnecting, there is never enough time spent just talking and laughing. Somehow we make the time when something happens, and throws us out of our "lives" yet the imbalance, the chaos and sometimes the absolutely horrible things that happen to us, seem to reconnect us with what is important in our lives. Maybe all things do happen for a reason, maybe we need reminded of what matters to us and who is worth our time or isn't worth it.

Love

Everytime I say I love you...
I'm really trying to say so much more
than those three little words.
I'm trying to say you mean more to me
than anyone else in the world.
I'm trying to let you know that I adore you
and that I cherish the time we spend together.
I'm trying to explain that I want you and that I need you
and that I get lost in wonderful thoughts
every time I think about you.
And each time I whisper "I love you",
I'm trying to remind you that you're
the best thing that has ever happened to me.

~Anon.

I love this poem, because it is so true. Half of the time I look for poems for ideas, and nothing fits how I feel.

One two minute phone call makes me smile for the next 24 hours. One hour spent with you, makes my life perfect for the whole week. One night spent with you, makes everything worth it. We can fight, we can argue, we can laugh, we can smile, and we can talk one another's ears off! At the end of the day it doesn't matter because there is not one way to measure our love, it is something that lies deep within us.  We don't have to spend every moment wrapped in one another's arms. As much as that seems perfect, we would get sick of each other and have nothing to talk about. We can go days without talking, without ever doubting one another, do you know why? We have faith, and we trust each other. Trust is the key to every relationship, and at the end of the day I trust you with my heart. I love you, and I love how you make me feel.

When we stop surprising one another, it is time to try harder or quit.

I always have joked with you,
I will never cease to surprise you.
That goes both ways,
You always are surprising me.
You sneak into my daily thoughts,
There isn't an hour that goes by,
That I don't think about you.
You make me happy,
You make me smile.
Most importantly,
You make me, ME.

You make me feel like I can accomplish anything,
You also make me see the other sides of things,
And take things a bit less seriously.
We even one another out.
We complete one another's faults.