Facebook.

Complaints

Photos

• No, you are not in that picture, I don't care that it says family and you think you should be tagged, for starts I do not see you, for seconds you are only blood related, you don't matter. 
• I do not want to look down your shirt.
• Is there a reason your boobs are the focal point of every picture you post? 
• Zip and pull up your pants. Really. 

Love

• We all love our boyfriends or girlfriends or we wouldn't be dating them. If you post it in every post it is over kill, just say it sometimes.
• You do not have the "best boyfriend in the world" no, he may be the best for you, he would be terrible for someone else. 
• There should be a rule that you cannot change your status more than once a week, if you are together less than a week why did you bother to start?
• If you change your status on facebook it is probably going to tick off your significant other. 
• If you don't want the world to know, do not post it.

Jobs

• You do not work for playboy.
• You are not a stripper.
• You are not a prostitute. 
• If you were you wouldn't be posting it on facebook. 
• You should not have to be told if you currently work at Walmart not to post images saying "lets burn down Walmart."

I am sure I will think of more. I might update this later.

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Control

This subjects been brought up a lot recently, how do you find yourself in an abusive relationship? Why is it so easy to stay, and why is it so easy to go back? It is easy to say you will never find yourself in that type of relationship; the truth of the matter is most of us will find ourselves in that situation at some point or another. Control seems to be ignored in relationships, or you always hear how 'there is no control in my relationship,' there is; you just may not choose to act upon it. In every relationship at some point or another someone is dominant over the other, someone holds the ability to move on, you both do, but one person is more likely to for whatever reasons. Think about it, who 'wears the pants' in your relationship?

The fact of the matter is it is really easy to end up in the whirlpool where you are being controlled through whatever means possible. I think we all understand the physical abuse issue. Few people take the time to understand the emotional abuse situations. It doesn't start out that way.

You are dating for a little while, he (or she) makes it very obvious they don't like one of your friends and is constantly complaining about them. Because you are sick of hearing it and you want them to be happy stop talking to this friend. After a while this happens with more and more friends of yours. Eventually you start to realize most of the people you depended on no longer are the people you talk to. The ones you still talk to are mutual friends or friends of yours that you introduced him to and also talk to him when you aren't around. You realize you really have no one you talk to but him and these mutual friends. When he starts complaining to you because one of those people who he doesn't like texted you, and starts yelling at you about how you broke his trust and how he doesn't know if you are worth his time, you break down in tears and yet you have no one you can talk to without getting in trouble. You spend every minute with him or alone. You talk to only those he approves of, some of which he later "checks in with" to make sure you didn't mention anyone you weren't suppose to. But you haven't talked to any of your friends in six months, what happens if you break up? Where will you go? Who will actually talk to you when you leave? Will those mutual friends speak to you again? Who do you call crying when he tells you that your not worth his time? Those friends you have blown off?

It is a lot easier than you would think to end up in that situation. I do not care how "strong" you are, if it happens it is really hard to break that cycle, as soon as you realize it is happening it is already too late. Well I have to tell you, your true friends will still be there for you when you come out. You will lose friends over it, you will find out who really is important and odds are those were the first few people you stopped talking to.


Do me a favor, when you realize this is happening to a friend. Do not push, no matter what you say it isn't going to help you have to let it happen and hope they come out of the relationship sooner instead of later. But BE THERE for them when they do. It is really hard to realize you really have no one because of that relationship. Rely on those friends who will take the time to listen to you (even if they are upset with you), the fact of the matter is it isn't just wimpy people who end up in these situations, they are just really hard to get out of even with a strong will.

Those in which we try to help

I have always been the type to try to help people. Sometimes I feel like I search for those who are lost causes. On more than one occasion I have been informed I try to fix people. An individual even told me once that I only date guys who need fixed and once they are fixed, I give up and move on, because I enjoy the challenge. I am not sure this is the case. I believe in some ways or forms we all need fixed, whether we have trust issues, or things in our lives that are uncontrollable.
At some point we all find someone who we wish to help, sometimes we learn that the 'problems' are more contrived in their minds than something we can really help them with. Other times; we realize these problems are unsurmountable.
One person, one support, and one smile really can make a world of difference in someone's life. It is an amazing feeling to know that you have someone who will love and support you through the thick and the thin. It sounds like a trite saying that one person can make a difference. At some point we all need someone to help us through the ugly, support us through the bad and to celebrate the good. You may never know how much of a difference you made in someone's life; but maybe you will. Help anyone you can, and be the friend you want to have.
Other times, the help you are trying to give, is a serious waste of your time. You cannot help those who do not wish to help themselves. You cannot change the past, you can not un-write today; life doesn't have an eraser. Sometimes we think we are doing someone a favor by helping them out, but they don't want to be helped. We are not doing anything at this point. In order to get out of a bad situation in life, or even a bad state of mind, you have to want to do it for yourself, you can have the whole cheer leading squad screaming at the top of their lungs to root you on, it doesn't do you any good if you don't want to change. Saying you want to, isn't enough either you have to really want it, and sometimes you have to get hurt, or things have to get harder before they get easier; that is life.

How did we get here..?

I asked my parents if I could go out, I did not say where I said I was going to see someone, and I did not know who. I knew who, and somehow I felt you were the only one who wouldn't yell at me or judge me for what I was about to tell you, I had been talking to you a little bit lately, and I knew I could trust you, because I figured you had enough demons in your past you had no right to judge me, and if you did, I had stuff on you as well.
Over six months later I look back at this and laugh. This was the first night in the last four years we actually hung out without being mean to one another just to prove a point.
I never called you, I never said I was coming over, I knew you would get home sometime after eight, we had been talking at about 8:30 or nine o'clock for the last few weeks. So, when I left my house that night I headed to your house, except I hadn't ever driven there and I had only been there once in the entire time I had known you. I ended up trying to figure out what road you lived on, and I called your house after a few frustrated attempts. Your mom gave me directions, and eventually asked who was calling, I told her and she acted like I was her long lost friend.

Needless to say the last time I was at your house was just before my 16th birthday, I received my first kiss in your bedroom while my dad was talking to your dad and we escaped for you to show me something you had in your room, I really at the time did not care. We kissed, it was perfect, yet so so awkward. We were there because my dad was buying a gun off of you, and you and I had been together for some time. You pushed a bit further than I was comfortable with, and eventually like every time we dated in our high school years we did not last all that long, however I think that was the longest we ever did last, and you waited a while for that night. (P.S. You are a much better kisser now than you were then.)
When I knocked on your door, I was nervous I have no idea why exactly. Your mom told me to come in and she gave me a hug and started talking like I was just there last week. Needless to say, I did not totally remember your mom, an d I ad no idea what I wanted from you. I just needed to talk, to anyone, and I knew you would listen. We talked until you got home, your reaction when you came through the door was the same reaction I have gotten every single time you have seen me since, somehow your face lights up. Initially you were complaining whose truck was in the driveway, but you got over that quick. You gave me a huge hug, I really did not want one. I asked you to keep your hands to yourself.

I don't know why I felt I could trust you, other than I was pretty sure you would keep any secrets I disclosed. Little did I know when I showed up that night, you needed me as much as I needed you.
You went and took a shower, and I waited for you, when you came out, you asked where we were going. I had not at all thought that far ahead. I wanted to be alone with you so we could talk without anyone overhearing us, and yet I did not trust you, nor myself, to be alone. You asked about going to the casino, and that is where we went. We talked a bit, we played some slots, and eventually we left, it was rather early yet, and I asked you if we could go sit and talk. On the way, I reached over and touched your leg when you were saying something, mostly because I felt like you needed some reassurance that you were safe with me, you jumped half way through the ceiling of the truck. We found a place to park, with total silence from everyone around us.We did just that- we talked.

I was not expecting that to turn into anything more. However; you kept trying to comfort me, and when you started talking and opening up, I started doing the same.
Somehow I ended up sitting in your lap with your arms wrapped around me staring up at the stars and talking about everything that came to mind. Eventually we got cold and got back in the truck and left. I took you home, and after that I stayed for a bit, still just talking about life. That is all we did was talk, about anything and everything nothing was off limits, even if it was negative, or it was going to scare the other one away, it was out on the table and we promised not to judge one another that night. After that I made every attempt possible to come over, and I did so, every other night, sometimes every night. We ended up getting closer and closer.

Makes me wanna take the back road home...

(and yes my friends, that is a turtle.)

Things people say we have

Luck
I hear all the time how "lucky" I am. I don't think I am lucky at all. I have often heard how lucky he and I are. We are not lucky. If we were we wouldn't be in the situations we are in now. We carry on. We get through each day because we are determined to and because we get the faith we need from one another.
Perfection
Perfection is a myth. There is a point where you take the good and the bad and you stop worrying about who is going to stand behind you in the tough spots. Things get hard. Things are far from perfect. As good as it can be is perfection. When you have nothing in your control you want to change, that is perfection.
Strength
Everyone feels the need to say how strong we are. We aren't any stronger than anyone else. We feed off one another and some days it is totally one sided. Some days I need the reassurance and some days he needs it from me. On a rare occasion we both need it.
Communication
This is where we have it made. We talk. We talk about everything. We don't hold much back. This is the key to our relationship. It has not always been easy. For a few months we struggled to talk for like two minutes a day and wrote our hearts out in letters. However; we made it! We will continue to make it through whatever life throws in our faces. I am often told by friends how they don't know how I do it. Well, there is my secret communication, communication communication. Talk. Talk about everything. Be open to new ideas. Listen when you don't want to hear about it. Don't be judgmental. Don't say a word when they are ranting their heart out, shut up and listen. Be reassuring. Give support when needed. Hold your opinions back when you need to. If your others in tears, smile and help them through it, your opinion can come in later.

What would you be willing to endure?

What would you be willing to put yourself through to see if you can find love?
It is not guaranteed, it never is.
How long would you wait for someone?
A week? Could you go a whole week without talking without doubting them? A month? Could you go a month without hating them for whatever the situation is? Could you go a week without seeing one another? A month?
Apparently I give a lot more than most people are willing to in relationships. I have waited two or three months for someone, and tried really hard to keep their spirits up and help them through something that was not easy to get hurt in the long run. I have also waited two months for someones past to become the past, and still struggled through it even though it was not my mistake.
It has became apparent to me that most people would not do the same in the same situation, even if I have previously written that I would hope most would do the same when faced with the same situation. I have become aware of situations where people I have the utmost respect for, did not do the same thing in a similar situation. Would you wait for someone who is facing medical problems? For how long? Would you be there for them through 'thick and thin'  or would you be a bit of a coward and run? Would you wait for someone in the military? Who is trying to better their own life and create a future for themselves? College? Jail or prison? For how long would you wait?
I wish people would take a minute instead of complaining about how they cannot find happiness in their lives to realize you get what you put into a relationship. If you give your all, you may get it back, if you give nothing, even if you get all in return, you still won't be happy. Take chances, give it your 110% and never ever give up, when things get hard, smile your way through and remember if you make it, it will be worth it. If you don't you pick up the pieces and move on; you can't complain how you cant find love if you aren't giving it, or taking chances.

I have a secret

If you are insanely jealous of someone, maybe you do need to worry. By being in a relationship you should be able to trust the person you are with; or you should not be with them to begin with. If you feel that they could do a lot better than you, well maybe they could. Maybe if they wanted to be with someone different they would be. Seriously if you have that many jealousy problems, deal with it, talk it out, get some help, something; or it will tear you apart. Relationships are founded on trust and you need to trust the person your with and if you can't then you don't need to be together.
We all would like to believe we would never let someone control who we talk to, yet we have all done it, or will do it, we may do it without realizing it, but the results are still the same, we eventually isolate ourselves from those who are our support system until we feel we truly have no support system, then if that relationship falls apart we are left begging our once friends to think about talking to us again, when in reality we probably do not deserve these friendships. Should these friends allow us to pick up where we left off? Should they be mad at us? What happens when they do the same thing to you in return? How will you react? How will that make you feel? It will more than likely happen.

Some things are worth the battle; and some are not

Previously I have ranted about things worth fighting for, well some things are not worth the battle. I don't need to agree with everything someone says to support them and be a friend of them. I do not need to like the choices you make to support you. However; if it is not worth fighting over then let it go! Some things I may not like, but it is not worth fighting over. It isn't worth the arguing, nor is it worth the aggravation of getting mad at one another.
Some days people seem to pick fights over stupid things. If you have bigger things to worry about, then worry about them, not the stupid things. It is not worth the stress, the aggravation, nor the headache of arguing.

What it is worth...

Sometimes we all wonder the consequences our actions will have, but the truth of the matter is most of the time we do not stop to think about this. What will happen if we do or say a certain thing, what will happen if we don't?
What we say and what we do have a huge impact on everything and everyone around us. Our past can come back to bite us in the ass and our good deeds can bail us out of tough spots.
Sometimes it is all a matter of weighing the cards, or forgetting to. What is your freedom worth to you? Do you have to worry about it? You bet you do, the wrong words can lead you in jail or dead, the wrong comment can lead you to a spot where you wish you were dead, and the wrong restrictions can make life seem almost not worth living.

You inspire me

It seems really strange.
How can you inspire me?
We have our own battles.
You have went through a lot.
You have kept your faith.
You and I have kept our faith in one another.
We have came so far.
We have our battles with one another.
We have obstacles.
We talk through everything.
We work through everything.
Somehow no matter how bad things get.
We come out smiling and holding hands.
We are not perfect people.
We are perfect together.
We have the perfect relationship.
I could not ask for more.
I could not ask for more.
We make it through whatever life throws at us.
Sometimes it seems like more trouble then it's worth.
I could not ask for a more open relationship.
I could not ask for a more accepting and understanding guy.
I trust you with my life, my well being, and most importantly my heart.
I absolutely love you with all I have.
I would not trade what we have for the world.
I am totally me when I'm with you.
Yet you give me butterflies every time.
You always are there to cheer me up when I need it.
You are always able to calm me down and make me relax.
You always make me smile.
I love making you smile when I enter the room.
I love being the girl you don't want to live without.

Plans of our own

I feel like everyone around us has already started their lives. Everyone around me seems to have a ring on their finger, or a baby on their hip. None of them seem to have both, which says something about society. I really really would like to be married before I have a child. I don't know if I am quite ready for that, but I don't want to push it off for too long so that I can enjoy and watch the child grow up and be able to meet my grandchildren if they decide to have their own.

I am the first in my family to go to college, I will be the first to have a stable career instead of a million horrible jobs making minimum wage. I will make something of myself. I will not become rich, nor famous, I don't want to be, in the future though if I do have children I want them to feel free to do whatever they would like to in life.
I grew up in a household with very little extra money, we always ate, but not much was ever guaranteed. Once a month the phone would get shut off because the bill didn't get paid, or we couldn't go on the trips at school because we couldn't afford it.I skipped out on going on my senior trip in high school because we didn't have the money, I refused to ask at some point to join sports or activities at school because we couldn't afford the fees that were required to do so. When I did end up joining band-front, I missed practice on a regular basis because I did not have a ride home because my parents were working, or because we just did not have a stable vehicle.  When it came time to apply to colleges, I only applied to those who gave me fee waivers or the schools had free applications. I never visited the school I ended up going to until after I had been accepted and decided that was where I was going. In high-school I was often babysitting for my sister or other family friends. My parents hesitated doing so, but borrowed money off us kids to pay the bills. I do not hate my parents, they did the best they could do. I am glad to be the person I am today. I do not know if I would be the person I am without the struggles and hurdles. However; I do not want my kids to have to face similar battles.

We discussed in class one day how if you come from a poor background your going to remain in one. Well it is true and miracles do happen, but the truth really is that it is hard to move from class to class. If you are raised in a low income environment you struggle all the time to improve yourself. If it were not for my very very determined parents who work their asses off to make sure my tuition gets paid, and really did push the idea as kids that we could be who ever we wanted to be, I would not be where I am today. In reality, I never stood a chance of being a doctor for starts it isn't something I was ever passionate about, but I was never provided the opportunities in school or at home to excel in the subjects required for that. If that was my goal, I would still need to struggle through 8 years of education, which I would not be able to get loans for because I do not qualify for them now. My parents would not be able to afford paying for it out of pocket either. Maybe as a result of social class and situations I never really thought about wanting to do that, I just wanted to be what I knew, I have no idea, but I have always wanted to teach. I am passionate about it.

"You can be whoever you want to be" is a lie, but with love and support and a heck of a lot of determination, you can become something better.

I do not hate my parents, I love them, they have pushed me my whole life. And as a result I am almost where I want to be. They have done the best they knew how, and they did a pretty good job apparently, because I turned out just fine.

Love like crazy...

So I am currently rocking out a bit, and thinking about how amazing love can be. I am so sick of reading a million changed relationship statuses on facebook and a million more people being like "you are better off without h (-im/-er). Relationship are best when you both keep your own wants needs and desires and mesh somewhere in the middle; sometimes it doesn't work, but when it doesn't then you don't need to beat yourself up over it, it was not meant to be that way. Your happiness is the greatest need in the world.
Do not get me wrong every day isn't perfect. There are days you will want to kill the person you are with even if you yourself know it is kind of ridiculous you are that irritated. Some days you will lose some of that faith you have in your relationship you really will. When life throws a lot in your face though, you know you can make it through it. Even if it seems like some days you only believe it because you need your partner to believe it.
This week again we shall cherish like it is our last week to live, and right now, I just want to savor the moment and what we have together. I have never put so much value in a phone call, into a friendly ear to talk to for hours when I need to vent, until I lost those things. When we lost each other in a sense we learned to appreciate those small things, we learned things can always be worse. They very likely may get to that place we call worst again very soon. However; we have each other to look forward to. We know we can make it through this whole mess no matter how hard it seems some days- in the end it will be worth it. We can move on with our lives, our life together. We can make a future and eventually when this mess is over we can make plans and live our dreams... together.

And if things do get worse, a million more love letters and some more cheer will be sent to my dear love, even if I have to fake the smile to do it. We have helped each other through a lot, and this too shall pass, and the day we can say this whole mess is behind us; both of these messes, will be an amazing feeling and a wonderful day.

Love conquers all

Some days everything seems impossible.
Then we remember who we have depending on us.
Some days this is overwhelming, and scary.
Sometimes we feel alone in this world.
Or that we are carrying the weight of the world alone.
Some days it is so hard to start anything.
Once it is started it is never hard.
Other days the right words just won't come.
Sometimes the tears are easier to access than the comforting words.
Sometimes we need to laugh, so we do not cry.
Sometimes crying is the only thing we can do.

A New Year, New Beginnings

A new year, new beginnings.
While this new year comes with problems all of its own, I feel relieved to put the problems of last year behind me in my past, and look forward to the future.
This past year was full of unexpected twists and turns, ones I expected, ones I didn't and a few I don't think I would be who I am without.

I started this post a few days ago, now I look back at it and have a lot more to say.

Some things are indeed worth fighting for, they are worth the energy and frustration of fighting. Giving up is the final option, and we should never feel it is the only option when something matters to us as people. The easy way out is to lay down and take what is thrown your way, or quit all together, but it is not what is for the best. Never take the easy way out. Never let people walk all over you because you feel it is easier than fighting and faster. Fight for everything you love and care about, never give up, never give in.

You were so tempted to lay down and take whatever life threw your way, you were so tempted to take whatever was given and accept it as fact. I don't care what happens, never take credit for something you did not do that is going to ruin your life further than it already is destroyed. Fight with all you fucking have. This does not define you, I wish I could stress that enough. This too shall pass, and I don't care if it is faster to accept what is given and bite your lip, it isn't really beneficial, fight with everything you have in you, if you lose appeal the fuck out of it, never give up. I realize fighting the system is not going to be easy, but you shouldn't need to accept it as a fact when it is a lie.
I love you. We have eachother, we will fight this, together.

What do I want for us...

I have been thinking about this a lot.
I have been thinking about my future lately, somehow he seems to be a part of my plans too. I want to grow old with someone and be happy, I want to have a family, I want to own something of my own. I want to go to bed each night cuddling with a man I love. Some day I want to have a child, and spoil it rotten. I want to have a career and find my own happiness.

Merry Christmas

So what did you want for Christmas this year? Was it simple and easy; or a long list and complicated? What I wanted most was complicated beyond doubt; yet I was not asking for a lot.

For Christmas I wanted to see three individuals I had not gotten a chance to spend time with for the last few months.
Somehow everything I wished for came true; I got to spend time with all three of them.

Perfection is not when everything goes how you want, perfection is when nothing does but you manage to be happy anyhow. I have found my version of perfection, it isn't perfect we have our battles we have our obstacles yet we also have one another. I could ask for a lot more, I could ask for simplicity, yet I don't know if we would be here if everything was perfect. I don't think I would want to chance that. I know I can't control what obstacles we have currently, so, why bother? We have found happiness. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

Rules and regulations...

I haven't had the chance to complain yet; or I haven't wanted to. Rules and regulations are changing our relationship right now so much. I do not wish to complain here; I wish to shed some humor on our situation in it's crazy way. Despite rules, regulations and a million complicated things; we have one another and it is absolutely perfect.

1. No Internet access -
Everything in today's society requires wifi to function. We have wifi on our phones computers and iPods. I am writing this on mine now. Most devices auto connect and we don't think about it.
So, he uses his iPhone as an iPod touch, apparently you can set restrictions on almost everything down to how old the apps are intended for.
I feel like a parent setting up controls for my four year old, password protected so he can't access it.
I restricted him from his phone, and helped restrict him from life I decided.

2. No camera
Try finding a cell phone without a camera. Really. He isn't allowed to have a camera on his phone. It is not easy to do because we all look for tech savvy phones, phones without cameras are hard to find especially when you are looking for one to use on a plan. I found one for the dearest, it was cheap too, but still hard to find.
His iphone, also had a camera and I locked him out of that as well.
Thanks iPhone for allowing me to restrict my boyfriend as if he's four. :-).
I told the dear that if he still can't use his iPhone because of the camera and just wants it as an iPod, if it was an issue to let me know and we would trade for a while.

3. House arrest-
Total house arrest for two weeks means a few things; one of which is I now have the ability to spoil him instead of him always spoiling me. What better of a girlfriend can you get that brings you chocolate, your favorite soda and sunflower seeds. Or, a new cell phone so that you have a phone. He always spoils me, now it is my turn. Plus he is mad I got him something for Christmas. I got him a video game, so it will occupy his time a bit and make this a bit better and less tedious on him. I know he can't buy me anything right now, he doesn't have it, and he can't go anywhere. The thing is I don't want anything! I already got what I wanted for Christmas I don't want a dang thing more.
My parents made a joke that the person who pulled in and left here was "one of my boyfriends," I laughed and I'm like I only have one boyfriend and I can tell you exactly where he's at.
The ball and chain keeps him on a short leash... 'cept it isn't me with the leash.
He hasn't had much of a chance to get bored yet, so he isn't going too insane yet. I have been over there almost every day of the week. His monitor is digging into his leg pretty badly, which sucks.

4. What they can't have-
They can regulate as much as they want, there can be a million rules and a million things that are simply put annoying as heck. However; there is some things they cannot take. They cannot take our love away, they cannot take away the feelings or the trust we have for one another. So, no matter how bad it seems, we got this, we will get there one day at a time. Even if some days it seems like the world really is out to get him in trouble.

Never giving this up

“As long as the ties that bind us together are stronger than those that would tear us apart, all will be well.”

My mind has been racing, nothing seems to make sense and some days it just seems to be so much crap it isn't worth it. Yet, a bit of time together a lot of talking and I have remembered why I stayed through this whole mess to begin with. I couldn't give this up if I wanted to even if it it overwhelming and complicated. Nothing is simple, and yet it doesn't even matter. I have all the faith in the world we can get through whatever life throws at us, because we are stronger together. We have got this.

I spent the night cuddling last night, and talking. I feel like I have totally occupied his time since he came home. It has been perfect though, I have reconnected with my dearest love and it is amazing. Together we have got this, it doesn't matter how much crap we need to overcome, I wouldn't want it any other way I am happy, I know he is happy, and that is all that matters. Love conquers all things. It is so amazing to be able to talk for more than three minutes, without it costing a fortune and having that in the back of our mind the whole time we are talking. It feels amazing to just hold one another close, and not let anything come between the two of us.

This morning, he must have had a bad dream, he rolls over and says to me; "With any luck babe, maybe I'll get out today..." "Haha, babe, where are you getting out of?" "...never-mind."

A little bit of Love will get you through anything life throws at you.

Perfection

Sometimes the fact that we already gave up on something just makes it that much more rewarding.
Wishes do come true.
Christmas has brought me almost everything I could possibly want.
I am so glad to be home.
I am so glad to spend a holiday with all of the people who make my life complete.

Last night I had given up.
Your mom called and I sprang up.
Butterflies in my stomach,
I rushed over to meet your parents.
I stopped and grabbed your vices.
I knew all you needed was me.
But for you, anything.
Waiting for you outside took forever,
The trip over was way too long.
I just needed to touch you.
To feel you, to hold you.
And then I did,
We were probably the obsessive couple
To everyone around us,
We couldn't keep our hands off one another.
And we talked,
Something we haven't been able to do
In what feels like ages upon ages.
GASH did I miss you my dear.

Never let go, just hold me tight, if not in your arms then in your heart.

You restored my faith last night dear, and it was an absolutely perfect night, what more in the world could I ask for? I am so glad you are home, and so glad to be able to talk to you for more than 2 minutes at a shot. I can talk to you whenever I want, and I can come cuddle with you whenever possible.

Life is good.
Love you.

One day at a time my love

Today had our hopes up.
It was something to look forward to.
I encouraged you to dream big.
Yet I apologize for getting your hopes up.

I don't care if it's tomorrow,
Next week or next month, or next year.
We will get there baby.
One day at a time. Together.

I am not going any place,
I am not giving up on you,
I'm not giving up on us.
I truly do love you.

We will get there together.
One day at a time my dear,
Even at the worst
We are getting closer everyday.

Hang in there my sweetie.
Keep your head up, and we will get through this mess. Together.

When do you give up?

When is it time to give up?
You cannot have a relationship without communication. I don't mean "hey, how are you? love you, bye". I mean actual talking. You need to know what is going on physically and emotionally. Sometimes this just isn't the case. Sometimes there are a million reasons why this is difficult, but seriously you can make it through anything by communicating. It doesn't matter if you spend 10 hours a day on the phone (P.S. that isn't communicating that is just being obsessive,) or a minute, or if you don't even talk every day. There is letters, there is email, and above all, when you call or write or text, you need to actually talk, or express yourself.. and how you are feeling and doing, not useless menial things that do not matter.
Is it ever wrong to give up?
Is it wrong to give up on something when at the moment they need it the most? Is it right to push something for someone else's sake when it may or may not be what is the best for you? Sometimes is it essential? I might be the emotional intelligence individual in the grand schemes of things, but when do you give up? Usually I would tell people as soon as you start asking yourself that question. Given the situation I have no idea, we all have doubts at some point or another.
Is it ever right to stray?
Have you ever done something stupid because at the time you felt like you just needed or wanted to do it? Have you questioned if it was right forever afterwards? What is cheating? What is straying? Most guys seem to have the attitude "I can look, I just can't touch" yet I feel like that is not the attitude they want their girlfriends to have. So, when is it wrong? At what point is it too far? When is it alright? Is there ever a point where you don't give a shit because seriously everything is wrong? Does that make it okay?
What is better, the truth, or leaving it out?
Most of us pride ourselves on telling the truth. Every one of us has been guilty of "leaving it out" which is just a way to lie and make yourself feel good about it. We all do it, on a daily basis, we don't tell someone when someone says something mean about them; we roll our eyes when we disagree with someone. So when do you leave things out and when do you fess up? When it is weighing on your mind, or never? Is there ever an appropriate time to fess up? There is lots of times where it is not appropriate for sure. 

School

I tutor at an elementary school for an after school homework help program. I started about two months ago, and it is twice a week for an hour at a time. I have had some fun experiences so far with it. The first day I was over there, I discovered I knew one of the students from my placement for early field last year, and some boy yelled at me for smiling at him, I was later informed he is labeled emotionally disturbed and I let it go. After that the teacher who is in charge kinda took over when ever this student raised his hand or needed help. Yesterday, I was floating around and helping students as soon as I walked in. I said hi to him as usual, and all nothing really was uncommon. Floated around helping students, and while I was helping a group of students the supervising teacher asks him if he needs help, and he tells him no he wants me to come help him! So I went over and helped him. He then finished his work and helped me help the girl next to him on math. It was not anything that was a big deal, but this student doesn't like people he doesn't know.  He picked me to help him, out of the normal teacher and two other volunteers.

Change

Today we were asked if we felt we had changed since coming to college. I know I have. I have grown up in the small town everyones got your back kinda way. I came to a city where I knew no one, to change myself. I wanted to see things through other perspectives. I must admit I want to go back, fast food and walking to the store is nice, but there's nothing like the small town atmosphere. The thing is I can't go back. I have adapted so much to living in essentially on my own, where no ones got your back but a few individuals. It is different, but while I have expanded my own horizons home has changed without me too. Home always changes when you leave, but for me it's like the industrial revolution has taken over the place I call home. Huge changes happen to all of us.
If you told me when I left for college that I'd have a forever friendship with the guy I was dating, but we wouldn't last long; my high school sweetheart and I would end back together, natural gas would change all I know at home, and that I'd be introduced to a whole new culture and set of ideas I would have been even more afraid, and probably would have argued with you.
College isn't about learning things in classes, although I am much more knowledgeable then I was a few years ago I am sure just by the way I talk and the way I think.  I have always been quick to associate things and grasp new ideas in my life. College was about the experience, and I don't mean the drinking experience, I do not do that.

Thankful Me

Some days we are all guilty of taking people for granted. We don't always make time to think about the people who mean the world to us, we don't do it intentionally. We all use the line "I don't have time" that is impossible, a minute of your time can be used to do a million things (like write a blog post about this instead of working on my unit...). Somehow we all get wrapped up in whatever is happening in our lives we forget the best part, our friends, and the people who keep us going. Yet we never hesitate when we need them, we might hesitate a bit because we don't want their opinion, and we know they will give it, but when we need someone to talk to we know who we can call- no matter what. We know who we can call or talk to when we did something stupid and we don't want to be judged. We know who will kick someones ass for hurting us. Somehow at some point we are all like "I was busy, I didn't have time," yet when we do end up reconnecting, there is never enough time spent just talking and laughing. Somehow we make the time when something happens, and throws us out of our "lives" yet the imbalance, the chaos and sometimes the absolutely horrible things that happen to us, seem to reconnect us with what is important in our lives. Maybe all things do happen for a reason, maybe we need reminded of what matters to us and who is worth our time or isn't worth it.

Love

Everytime I say I love you...
I'm really trying to say so much more
than those three little words.
I'm trying to say you mean more to me
than anyone else in the world.
I'm trying to let you know that I adore you
and that I cherish the time we spend together.
I'm trying to explain that I want you and that I need you
and that I get lost in wonderful thoughts
every time I think about you.
And each time I whisper "I love you",
I'm trying to remind you that you're
the best thing that has ever happened to me.

~Anon.

I love this poem, because it is so true. Half of the time I look for poems for ideas, and nothing fits how I feel.

One two minute phone call makes me smile for the next 24 hours. One hour spent with you, makes my life perfect for the whole week. One night spent with you, makes everything worth it. We can fight, we can argue, we can laugh, we can smile, and we can talk one another's ears off! At the end of the day it doesn't matter because there is not one way to measure our love, it is something that lies deep within us.  We don't have to spend every moment wrapped in one another's arms. As much as that seems perfect, we would get sick of each other and have nothing to talk about. We can go days without talking, without ever doubting one another, do you know why? We have faith, and we trust each other. Trust is the key to every relationship, and at the end of the day I trust you with my heart. I love you, and I love how you make me feel.

When we stop surprising one another, it is time to try harder or quit.

I always have joked with you,
I will never cease to surprise you.
That goes both ways,
You always are surprising me.
You sneak into my daily thoughts,
There isn't an hour that goes by,
That I don't think about you.
You make me happy,
You make me smile.
Most importantly,
You make me, ME.

You make me feel like I can accomplish anything,
You also make me see the other sides of things,
And take things a bit less seriously.
We even one another out.
We complete one another's faults.

What is in a touch?

Touch is something we all take for granted. Have you ever looked into someones eyes and wanted to reach out and touch them? Have you ever found that impossible? Sometimes there is barriers between us, weather they are physical or just social those barriers are huge. They allow us to distance ourselves further and they strain our relationships.
Sometimes we put those barriers us ourselves, we want that distance because we don't want to get that close; we don't want to be that vulnerable. Other times, those barriers are placed by someone else, either because we aren't suppose to, or because we physically can't.
Some people in our lives are so close, yet so far away.


I can sit less than a few feet away from you.
I want so bad to touch you.
To just feel the warmth of your touch.
To hold you close and reassure you,
Everything will be just fine.
We will get there,
And most of all,
We will be stronger for it.
I love you,
I dread coming to see you,
Because it isn't close enough,
But it is totally worth it to be in your presence.
To be able to see your face,
To hear your voice.
And to be able to talk to you,
For more than three or four minutes.

The sound of my cell

When my phone rings and vibrates like crazy,
My heart stops momentarily.
Somehow some way I just wish it were you,
I don't care how likely it is to be you.
When I look down and see it is you,
I get nervous and butterflies in my stomach,
I forget everything I wanted to tell you.
All that comes out is "I love you."
I guess that is what is most important,
I guess that is all I can deal with,
I always get butterflies when I am around you,
I have no idea why,
Yet it isn't like I am nervous to be near you,
Or that I try to impress you,
I just can't figure out how I deserve someone,
Who treats me like you treat me.
Like I am perfect.

Have hope, have faith, have trust, have love

Lately, things have been piled so high on my plate I need sideboards. I can't handle all of this thrown at me some days. Then of course when something is bothering one part of your life it seems to be ever so present in everything else you do in life. It is overwhelming and mostly it is just exhausting. Somehow I need to find the energy to pull through because I have so much depending on me, so many people depending on me to keep them strong. It is insane and sometimes I have no idea what to do next, so I just plow through and do as much as I can. Some days that isn't a whole lot.
I haven't cried yet. I haven't broke down. I haven't let this get to me too badly. I am too attached to not be going nuts though. I am also too attached to leave. What do I do? I don't think there is anything for me to do other than I am already doing, plow through and keep everyone strong, maybe at my own expense. Hopefully it pays off. You have to risk something to be happy after all right?

I am not ready to face this week

Here I am wide awake with more than an hour to spare before I have to be in class, and yet I am working on my blog to relieve my minds chasing thoughts instead of a lesson plan or something else for my unit which is due a week from tomorrow. I don't know how I am going to finish that even, a few hours later is going to be dedicated just to that I suppose. Hopefully I can accomplish something, I have two weeks left of the semester then a week of finals before Christmas break. I am so looking forward to break already. I want my friends, my family and my amazing boyfriend all back in my world for a bit, even if it will only be about two weeks. I could so use it right now. My faith is restored with hope and staying strong which is well needed because otherwise these next three weeks would end up killing me, or at least my relationships.

But, he never seems to stop surprising me no matter how irritable I am, or how bad the situation is, he helps me through it and sometimes I am sure my complaining and over reacting really isn't helping him. That is what a relationship is, give and take, and we will get there, one day at a time.

Stay Strong and Hang in there

Lately I have been so determined to "stay strong" and keep everyone strong, as a result I have stayed in that mindset myself really well actually. Somehow at the beginning of this last week I faltered a bit, it is the holidays, reality is scaring me a bit and somehow I lost some faith in the world and things working out. I know things could go one of a million ways, and the uncertainty is scaring me to death. I don't know what to expect but I do know that I am just hoping and somewhat praying (and I am not really all that religious) for things to work out as planned.
My negative bad mood rubbed off a bit this week because it came out in a love letter, which probably seemed more like a rant with I love you and I miss you scribbled at the end in the margin. I sometimes have my bad days too, thankfully for everyone, they are few and far between. I keep a lot of people going, and I don't break down that easy, I haven't cried over this mess yet, and the only day I was awfully close was the day of court. I can't promise you forever at this point. the next three weeks is intimidating enough. I know this is mutual but I really cannot wait until this whole part of our lives is behind us, because as frustrating as it is, even if I wanted to run - I am too attached to do so.

All things considered... things are about as perfect as they can be!

Sometimes what we dread is what we need to face the most.
Sometimes things happen that we cannot change.
Sometimes people come into our lives we do not expect to mean anything,
Sometimes we realize they are the ones we can't live without.


We always want to control everything in our lives,
It isn't all that simple sometimes,
Things happen, Mistakes are made,
Our pasts can't be unwritten.


Why do we try so hard?
Why does everything have to be "perfect?"
When we take it one day at a time,
One step at a time,
"As good as it gets"
Is perfection.


WE are perfect together, nothing else matters, and together we will get there because we help one another out along the way.

everyone always says how god is suppose to help them and god is suppose to save you but no, god has people who will and instead of going who can give me money or who can help me... you should think who you can help..

What are you thankful for?

In the last week or so, I have heard multiple times that people want to skip Thanksgiving for it is a useless holiday. I want to skip it as well but for totally different reasons. So what is the point in Thanksgiving? Isn't it to take a minute and think what it is that you are thankful for in life? I write this, a few days early for my week is sure to be chaotic and busy and a tad more emotional than I care to deal with.

I am thankful to have a family who is there for me no matter what, who support me no matter what I do, and put up with me even if they disagree with my choices. They accept me as who I am, and they will like me when I do something that hurts them. My family is not limited to blood, friends and people I have claimed along the way count as well. Blood does by no means get you inducted into this inclusive chapter of my life.

I am thankful that I live in a free country, and I am free to mess up and learn from my mistakes. I am thankful that people defend my right to do so, and I am very very thankful that those who I would be lost without are safe.

Thanksgiving doesn't come with presents nor music, but it does come with a sense of belonging, which is much more important. It comes with the satisfaction of knowing you are loved and will be loved, and that there is good in the world no matter how messed up the "world" you are currently in is.

I am thankful for every person I have ever got to know in my life, for they showed me the good the bad and the ugly, I am thankful for everyone who trusted me enough to let them into their life, so I could share a part of myself with them in return. I am thankful I have gotten hurt, I am thankful I have hurt others for this all made me the strong independent woman I am today. I am also glad for every person who has shown me the not so nice side of themselves, for my opinions have been molded by both good and bad experiences. I have had people bring out sides of me I have never knew I had, and I have had people manipulate me to their liking, in the end every bit of this made me who I am today.  I am not proud of everything I have done, I certainly am not proud of everything I say, but I am who I am, and I wouldn't be if it wasn't for every person who has came in and out of my life.

I am thankful my dearest showed me I could trust him again, I am thankful he needs me right now. I am thankful he trusts me. I am thankful that I got to help bring out this new perspective on life.

I am thankful that my friends do not hesitate to come to me when the world seems to be failing them, and nothing seems to go right. I am positive I have saved some of them from dropping off the deep end of life, and the world would not be the same without them. I am also thankful I seen these experiences from their eyes because I am pretty sure that is one of the things that has kept me from entering that "too far gone to turn back" mindset.

Thanksgiving isn't about eating all the food you can to get fat, I love home cooked meals more than anything, but that isn't the case. It is about being thankful for that in which you do have, not worrying about what you don't or what you cannot change. I want to skip Thanksgiving in a way because it is impossible to spend it with those who mean the world to me, but I will certainly make the point to be thankful that they are in my life, and that they are safe.

I don't want anything for Christmas, I just want to spend time with all of those who mean so much to me personally.

Uncertainty

If you ever want to feel like you are out of touch, add some uncertainty to your life. When you don't know what is going to happen next, it can be exciting and it can be fun, it can also possibly be the worst feeling in the world. There are things in which we cannot control in our lives, and when we cannot control things we at least want to be certain to when this will portion of our lives will be over. What happens when you don't know?

Do you take the positive attitude and hope for the best? If you look at the positive attitude and don't prepare for the worst, what are you going to do when it doesn't work out that way? Is it going to be disappointing? You bet. Is it going to be the thing that breaks you? Who knows.

Do you take the negative attitude and prepare for the worst? What if you take the negative outlook? Is it easier? Or is it just harder and harder to get through each day? What do you have to look forward to then? Does it make the surprise of getting something better more rewarding? You bet. But will having the negative outlook break you as a person? Who knows. Will it discourage people from helping you? More than likely. How do you hold on? How do you go on?

Attitudes make everything better or worse, but a positive attitude can lead to a lot of disappointment, and a negative attitude makes you hard to get along with. My attitude changes by the second which I am not sure is much better.

Tonight, I am with you (something new)

Tonight, I am with you.
I am wrapped in your arms.
We are talking about our fears.
We face opposite directions.
Yet we are both smiling.
We are still both afraid,
Somehow the fact we are together makes it easier.
No matter how bad things go,
We still have one another,
Even if only in our dreams.

What is love? (something old)

What is love?
Love is laughter.
Love is friendship.
Love is honesty.
Love is trust.
Love is confidence.
Love is saying what you feel.
Love is never questioning.
Love travels all distances.
Love breaks all the rules.
Love is wonderful.
However a good friendship is easily mistaken for love.
And that friendship will never again be the same

Thoughts

This town is filled with sirens tonight.
They are so loud, so obnoxious,
and yet so filled with adrenaline.

Tonight I am with you,
even if only in our dreams

Time

Time means nothing,

and yet time is everything.

Time is something that is guaranteed, we do not think about it most of the time. We count down time to specific events, but when they get here time is still irrelevant. Yet time is all we have, we are limited to how long we will be alive and what we will have time to do. Many people often say something about reminding those you love them that you love them because there may not be another time. This is so true and yet we usually don't think about it. If I live to be 100, this year of my life will not be so significant, yet if I die tomorrow, everything I do today just got amplified in importance, how do you want to spend your last moments of your life? Will you know when that time is coming? Do you even want to?

Right now, I am waiting for time to pass on and wishing it would speed up because of certain obstacles in life. Another part of me feels like this is already going too fast, I am a junior in college, and yet I still feel like I'm more of a kid than an adult. I want to have time to work on projects that are due shortly, and I want to spend as much of my time as possible with people who are important to me as a person, and we never know when our day will come. 

My love

I always hear people complaining about their boyfriends, and their relationships in general. Life gives us all our own problems, we have our own pasts, and we each have our own obstacles. When we join someone in a relationship we are usually looking for someone who we hope to spend the rest of our lives with, but we often forget that when we do this we no longer have just our own obstacles and challenges; but we adopt one another's as well. It is that crazy little thing called love, and it isn't suppose to be easy.

In order to get along you have to understand one another, and you have to agree to be friends. However to be friends you have to accept one another and all of the flaws the other has. You have to accept their pasts, their bad habits, and their flaws, and you have to live with them. I don't know if there is a person that is "perfect," if there is, I sure don't know them. But I know plenty of people who are "perfect for me" who are a part of my life, I don't need to approve of all of their choices and I don't need to understand them totally, I just need to accept them.

In a relationship I believe this is essential, a person cannot be judged based on rumors, the past, or stories. Not a single one of us is perfect. Yet some how we tend to find someone who is "perfect" for us, and who makes us feel perfect, and we call this insane concept love. If you go about your daily life complaining about the person you are involved in romantically, then you might as well give up now.

I love that he makes me feel absolutely amazing, he reminds me how much he needs me, and he tells me how beautiful I am as a person. I have never felt like I could do so much to help anyone until now, he always is telling me that I am wonderful, and how great of a person I am. He tells me how much he needs me, how thankful he is for me sticking with him through the thick and the thin, which he certainly deserves, and he is always telling me I am beautiful. I am the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to him in his life he tells me. He tells me I am beautiful when I say I look terrible, he tells me I am a beautiful person, and most importantly he makes me believe I am beautiful myself even when he isn't around.
I really do hope I make him feel half as amazing as he makes me feel everyday.

I love you

You make me feel amazing,
you make me feel beautiful,
you make me feel perfect.

Some days I fear I will disappoint you,
Yet I never seem to do so,
you always make me feel irreplaceable.

Right now, this seems difficult,
Yet I wake up thinking about you,
and a smile creeps across my face.

I roll out of bed and get dressed,
I smile when I look in the mirror,
I know you'd say I look beautiful.

I go on with my daily life,
thinking about you,
and missing you.

Before I go to bed, I scribble you a letter,
and make sure to reassure you,
that I am all yours baby.

I whisper goodnight to you,
and tell you that I love you,
I know you feel it.

We will get through this my love,
we have gotten through so much already,
we are perfect for one another.

I hope I do the same for you,
we both know we live separate lives,
somehow when they mesh together we have perfection.

I love being wrapped in your arms,
when nothing is off limits,
and we can be totally honest and ourselves.

You amaze me sweetie. I love you more than I ever thought was possible.