What do I want for us...

I have been thinking about this a lot.
I have been thinking about my future lately, somehow he seems to be a part of my plans too. I want to grow old with someone and be happy, I want to have a family, I want to own something of my own. I want to go to bed each night cuddling with a man I love. Some day I want to have a child, and spoil it rotten. I want to have a career and find my own happiness.

Merry Christmas

So what did you want for Christmas this year? Was it simple and easy; or a long list and complicated? What I wanted most was complicated beyond doubt; yet I was not asking for a lot.

For Christmas I wanted to see three individuals I had not gotten a chance to spend time with for the last few months.
Somehow everything I wished for came true; I got to spend time with all three of them.

Perfection is not when everything goes how you want, perfection is when nothing does but you manage to be happy anyhow. I have found my version of perfection, it isn't perfect we have our battles we have our obstacles yet we also have one another. I could ask for a lot more, I could ask for simplicity, yet I don't know if we would be here if everything was perfect. I don't think I would want to chance that. I know I can't control what obstacles we have currently, so, why bother? We have found happiness. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

Rules and regulations...

I haven't had the chance to complain yet; or I haven't wanted to. Rules and regulations are changing our relationship right now so much. I do not wish to complain here; I wish to shed some humor on our situation in it's crazy way. Despite rules, regulations and a million complicated things; we have one another and it is absolutely perfect.

1. No Internet access -
Everything in today's society requires wifi to function. We have wifi on our phones computers and iPods. I am writing this on mine now. Most devices auto connect and we don't think about it.
So, he uses his iPhone as an iPod touch, apparently you can set restrictions on almost everything down to how old the apps are intended for.
I feel like a parent setting up controls for my four year old, password protected so he can't access it.
I restricted him from his phone, and helped restrict him from life I decided.

2. No camera
Try finding a cell phone without a camera. Really. He isn't allowed to have a camera on his phone. It is not easy to do because we all look for tech savvy phones, phones without cameras are hard to find especially when you are looking for one to use on a plan. I found one for the dearest, it was cheap too, but still hard to find.
His iphone, also had a camera and I locked him out of that as well.
Thanks iPhone for allowing me to restrict my boyfriend as if he's four. :-).
I told the dear that if he still can't use his iPhone because of the camera and just wants it as an iPod, if it was an issue to let me know and we would trade for a while.

3. House arrest-
Total house arrest for two weeks means a few things; one of which is I now have the ability to spoil him instead of him always spoiling me. What better of a girlfriend can you get that brings you chocolate, your favorite soda and sunflower seeds. Or, a new cell phone so that you have a phone. He always spoils me, now it is my turn. Plus he is mad I got him something for Christmas. I got him a video game, so it will occupy his time a bit and make this a bit better and less tedious on him. I know he can't buy me anything right now, he doesn't have it, and he can't go anywhere. The thing is I don't want anything! I already got what I wanted for Christmas I don't want a dang thing more.
My parents made a joke that the person who pulled in and left here was "one of my boyfriends," I laughed and I'm like I only have one boyfriend and I can tell you exactly where he's at.
The ball and chain keeps him on a short leash... 'cept it isn't me with the leash.
He hasn't had much of a chance to get bored yet, so he isn't going too insane yet. I have been over there almost every day of the week. His monitor is digging into his leg pretty badly, which sucks.

4. What they can't have-
They can regulate as much as they want, there can be a million rules and a million things that are simply put annoying as heck. However; there is some things they cannot take. They cannot take our love away, they cannot take away the feelings or the trust we have for one another. So, no matter how bad it seems, we got this, we will get there one day at a time. Even if some days it seems like the world really is out to get him in trouble.

Never giving this up

“As long as the ties that bind us together are stronger than those that would tear us apart, all will be well.”

My mind has been racing, nothing seems to make sense and some days it just seems to be so much crap it isn't worth it. Yet, a bit of time together a lot of talking and I have remembered why I stayed through this whole mess to begin with. I couldn't give this up if I wanted to even if it it overwhelming and complicated. Nothing is simple, and yet it doesn't even matter. I have all the faith in the world we can get through whatever life throws at us, because we are stronger together. We have got this.

I spent the night cuddling last night, and talking. I feel like I have totally occupied his time since he came home. It has been perfect though, I have reconnected with my dearest love and it is amazing. Together we have got this, it doesn't matter how much crap we need to overcome, I wouldn't want it any other way I am happy, I know he is happy, and that is all that matters. Love conquers all things. It is so amazing to be able to talk for more than three minutes, without it costing a fortune and having that in the back of our mind the whole time we are talking. It feels amazing to just hold one another close, and not let anything come between the two of us.

This morning, he must have had a bad dream, he rolls over and says to me; "With any luck babe, maybe I'll get out today..." "Haha, babe, where are you getting out of?" "...never-mind."

A little bit of Love will get you through anything life throws at you.

Perfection

Sometimes the fact that we already gave up on something just makes it that much more rewarding.
Wishes do come true.
Christmas has brought me almost everything I could possibly want.
I am so glad to be home.
I am so glad to spend a holiday with all of the people who make my life complete.

Last night I had given up.
Your mom called and I sprang up.
Butterflies in my stomach,
I rushed over to meet your parents.
I stopped and grabbed your vices.
I knew all you needed was me.
But for you, anything.
Waiting for you outside took forever,
The trip over was way too long.
I just needed to touch you.
To feel you, to hold you.
And then I did,
We were probably the obsessive couple
To everyone around us,
We couldn't keep our hands off one another.
And we talked,
Something we haven't been able to do
In what feels like ages upon ages.
GASH did I miss you my dear.

Never let go, just hold me tight, if not in your arms then in your heart.

You restored my faith last night dear, and it was an absolutely perfect night, what more in the world could I ask for? I am so glad you are home, and so glad to be able to talk to you for more than 2 minutes at a shot. I can talk to you whenever I want, and I can come cuddle with you whenever possible.

Life is good.
Love you.

One day at a time my love

Today had our hopes up.
It was something to look forward to.
I encouraged you to dream big.
Yet I apologize for getting your hopes up.

I don't care if it's tomorrow,
Next week or next month, or next year.
We will get there baby.
One day at a time. Together.

I am not going any place,
I am not giving up on you,
I'm not giving up on us.
I truly do love you.

We will get there together.
One day at a time my dear,
Even at the worst
We are getting closer everyday.

Hang in there my sweetie.
Keep your head up, and we will get through this mess. Together.

When do you give up?

When is it time to give up?
You cannot have a relationship without communication. I don't mean "hey, how are you? love you, bye". I mean actual talking. You need to know what is going on physically and emotionally. Sometimes this just isn't the case. Sometimes there are a million reasons why this is difficult, but seriously you can make it through anything by communicating. It doesn't matter if you spend 10 hours a day on the phone (P.S. that isn't communicating that is just being obsessive,) or a minute, or if you don't even talk every day. There is letters, there is email, and above all, when you call or write or text, you need to actually talk, or express yourself.. and how you are feeling and doing, not useless menial things that do not matter.
Is it ever wrong to give up?
Is it wrong to give up on something when at the moment they need it the most? Is it right to push something for someone else's sake when it may or may not be what is the best for you? Sometimes is it essential? I might be the emotional intelligence individual in the grand schemes of things, but when do you give up? Usually I would tell people as soon as you start asking yourself that question. Given the situation I have no idea, we all have doubts at some point or another.
Is it ever right to stray?
Have you ever done something stupid because at the time you felt like you just needed or wanted to do it? Have you questioned if it was right forever afterwards? What is cheating? What is straying? Most guys seem to have the attitude "I can look, I just can't touch" yet I feel like that is not the attitude they want their girlfriends to have. So, when is it wrong? At what point is it too far? When is it alright? Is there ever a point where you don't give a shit because seriously everything is wrong? Does that make it okay?
What is better, the truth, or leaving it out?
Most of us pride ourselves on telling the truth. Every one of us has been guilty of "leaving it out" which is just a way to lie and make yourself feel good about it. We all do it, on a daily basis, we don't tell someone when someone says something mean about them; we roll our eyes when we disagree with someone. So when do you leave things out and when do you fess up? When it is weighing on your mind, or never? Is there ever an appropriate time to fess up? There is lots of times where it is not appropriate for sure. 

School

I tutor at an elementary school for an after school homework help program. I started about two months ago, and it is twice a week for an hour at a time. I have had some fun experiences so far with it. The first day I was over there, I discovered I knew one of the students from my placement for early field last year, and some boy yelled at me for smiling at him, I was later informed he is labeled emotionally disturbed and I let it go. After that the teacher who is in charge kinda took over when ever this student raised his hand or needed help. Yesterday, I was floating around and helping students as soon as I walked in. I said hi to him as usual, and all nothing really was uncommon. Floated around helping students, and while I was helping a group of students the supervising teacher asks him if he needs help, and he tells him no he wants me to come help him! So I went over and helped him. He then finished his work and helped me help the girl next to him on math. It was not anything that was a big deal, but this student doesn't like people he doesn't know.  He picked me to help him, out of the normal teacher and two other volunteers.

Change

Today we were asked if we felt we had changed since coming to college. I know I have. I have grown up in the small town everyones got your back kinda way. I came to a city where I knew no one, to change myself. I wanted to see things through other perspectives. I must admit I want to go back, fast food and walking to the store is nice, but there's nothing like the small town atmosphere. The thing is I can't go back. I have adapted so much to living in essentially on my own, where no ones got your back but a few individuals. It is different, but while I have expanded my own horizons home has changed without me too. Home always changes when you leave, but for me it's like the industrial revolution has taken over the place I call home. Huge changes happen to all of us.
If you told me when I left for college that I'd have a forever friendship with the guy I was dating, but we wouldn't last long; my high school sweetheart and I would end back together, natural gas would change all I know at home, and that I'd be introduced to a whole new culture and set of ideas I would have been even more afraid, and probably would have argued with you.
College isn't about learning things in classes, although I am much more knowledgeable then I was a few years ago I am sure just by the way I talk and the way I think.  I have always been quick to associate things and grasp new ideas in my life. College was about the experience, and I don't mean the drinking experience, I do not do that.

Thankful Me

Some days we are all guilty of taking people for granted. We don't always make time to think about the people who mean the world to us, we don't do it intentionally. We all use the line "I don't have time" that is impossible, a minute of your time can be used to do a million things (like write a blog post about this instead of working on my unit...). Somehow we all get wrapped up in whatever is happening in our lives we forget the best part, our friends, and the people who keep us going. Yet we never hesitate when we need them, we might hesitate a bit because we don't want their opinion, and we know they will give it, but when we need someone to talk to we know who we can call- no matter what. We know who we can call or talk to when we did something stupid and we don't want to be judged. We know who will kick someones ass for hurting us. Somehow at some point we are all like "I was busy, I didn't have time," yet when we do end up reconnecting, there is never enough time spent just talking and laughing. Somehow we make the time when something happens, and throws us out of our "lives" yet the imbalance, the chaos and sometimes the absolutely horrible things that happen to us, seem to reconnect us with what is important in our lives. Maybe all things do happen for a reason, maybe we need reminded of what matters to us and who is worth our time or isn't worth it.

Love

Everytime I say I love you...
I'm really trying to say so much more
than those three little words.
I'm trying to say you mean more to me
than anyone else in the world.
I'm trying to let you know that I adore you
and that I cherish the time we spend together.
I'm trying to explain that I want you and that I need you
and that I get lost in wonderful thoughts
every time I think about you.
And each time I whisper "I love you",
I'm trying to remind you that you're
the best thing that has ever happened to me.

~Anon.

I love this poem, because it is so true. Half of the time I look for poems for ideas, and nothing fits how I feel.

One two minute phone call makes me smile for the next 24 hours. One hour spent with you, makes my life perfect for the whole week. One night spent with you, makes everything worth it. We can fight, we can argue, we can laugh, we can smile, and we can talk one another's ears off! At the end of the day it doesn't matter because there is not one way to measure our love, it is something that lies deep within us.  We don't have to spend every moment wrapped in one another's arms. As much as that seems perfect, we would get sick of each other and have nothing to talk about. We can go days without talking, without ever doubting one another, do you know why? We have faith, and we trust each other. Trust is the key to every relationship, and at the end of the day I trust you with my heart. I love you, and I love how you make me feel.

When we stop surprising one another, it is time to try harder or quit.

I always have joked with you,
I will never cease to surprise you.
That goes both ways,
You always are surprising me.
You sneak into my daily thoughts,
There isn't an hour that goes by,
That I don't think about you.
You make me happy,
You make me smile.
Most importantly,
You make me, ME.

You make me feel like I can accomplish anything,
You also make me see the other sides of things,
And take things a bit less seriously.
We even one another out.
We complete one another's faults.

What is in a touch?

Touch is something we all take for granted. Have you ever looked into someones eyes and wanted to reach out and touch them? Have you ever found that impossible? Sometimes there is barriers between us, weather they are physical or just social those barriers are huge. They allow us to distance ourselves further and they strain our relationships.
Sometimes we put those barriers us ourselves, we want that distance because we don't want to get that close; we don't want to be that vulnerable. Other times, those barriers are placed by someone else, either because we aren't suppose to, or because we physically can't.
Some people in our lives are so close, yet so far away.


I can sit less than a few feet away from you.
I want so bad to touch you.
To just feel the warmth of your touch.
To hold you close and reassure you,
Everything will be just fine.
We will get there,
And most of all,
We will be stronger for it.
I love you,
I dread coming to see you,
Because it isn't close enough,
But it is totally worth it to be in your presence.
To be able to see your face,
To hear your voice.
And to be able to talk to you,
For more than three or four minutes.

The sound of my cell

When my phone rings and vibrates like crazy,
My heart stops momentarily.
Somehow some way I just wish it were you,
I don't care how likely it is to be you.
When I look down and see it is you,
I get nervous and butterflies in my stomach,
I forget everything I wanted to tell you.
All that comes out is "I love you."
I guess that is what is most important,
I guess that is all I can deal with,
I always get butterflies when I am around you,
I have no idea why,
Yet it isn't like I am nervous to be near you,
Or that I try to impress you,
I just can't figure out how I deserve someone,
Who treats me like you treat me.
Like I am perfect.