Have hope, have faith, have trust, have love

Lately, things have been piled so high on my plate I need sideboards. I can't handle all of this thrown at me some days. Then of course when something is bothering one part of your life it seems to be ever so present in everything else you do in life. It is overwhelming and mostly it is just exhausting. Somehow I need to find the energy to pull through because I have so much depending on me, so many people depending on me to keep them strong. It is insane and sometimes I have no idea what to do next, so I just plow through and do as much as I can. Some days that isn't a whole lot.
I haven't cried yet. I haven't broke down. I haven't let this get to me too badly. I am too attached to not be going nuts though. I am also too attached to leave. What do I do? I don't think there is anything for me to do other than I am already doing, plow through and keep everyone strong, maybe at my own expense. Hopefully it pays off. You have to risk something to be happy after all right?

I am not ready to face this week

Here I am wide awake with more than an hour to spare before I have to be in class, and yet I am working on my blog to relieve my minds chasing thoughts instead of a lesson plan or something else for my unit which is due a week from tomorrow. I don't know how I am going to finish that even, a few hours later is going to be dedicated just to that I suppose. Hopefully I can accomplish something, I have two weeks left of the semester then a week of finals before Christmas break. I am so looking forward to break already. I want my friends, my family and my amazing boyfriend all back in my world for a bit, even if it will only be about two weeks. I could so use it right now. My faith is restored with hope and staying strong which is well needed because otherwise these next three weeks would end up killing me, or at least my relationships.

But, he never seems to stop surprising me no matter how irritable I am, or how bad the situation is, he helps me through it and sometimes I am sure my complaining and over reacting really isn't helping him. That is what a relationship is, give and take, and we will get there, one day at a time.

Stay Strong and Hang in there

Lately I have been so determined to "stay strong" and keep everyone strong, as a result I have stayed in that mindset myself really well actually. Somehow at the beginning of this last week I faltered a bit, it is the holidays, reality is scaring me a bit and somehow I lost some faith in the world and things working out. I know things could go one of a million ways, and the uncertainty is scaring me to death. I don't know what to expect but I do know that I am just hoping and somewhat praying (and I am not really all that religious) for things to work out as planned.
My negative bad mood rubbed off a bit this week because it came out in a love letter, which probably seemed more like a rant with I love you and I miss you scribbled at the end in the margin. I sometimes have my bad days too, thankfully for everyone, they are few and far between. I keep a lot of people going, and I don't break down that easy, I haven't cried over this mess yet, and the only day I was awfully close was the day of court. I can't promise you forever at this point. the next three weeks is intimidating enough. I know this is mutual but I really cannot wait until this whole part of our lives is behind us, because as frustrating as it is, even if I wanted to run - I am too attached to do so.

All things considered... things are about as perfect as they can be!

Sometimes what we dread is what we need to face the most.
Sometimes things happen that we cannot change.
Sometimes people come into our lives we do not expect to mean anything,
Sometimes we realize they are the ones we can't live without.


We always want to control everything in our lives,
It isn't all that simple sometimes,
Things happen, Mistakes are made,
Our pasts can't be unwritten.


Why do we try so hard?
Why does everything have to be "perfect?"
When we take it one day at a time,
One step at a time,
"As good as it gets"
Is perfection.


WE are perfect together, nothing else matters, and together we will get there because we help one another out along the way.

everyone always says how god is suppose to help them and god is suppose to save you but no, god has people who will and instead of going who can give me money or who can help me... you should think who you can help..

What are you thankful for?

In the last week or so, I have heard multiple times that people want to skip Thanksgiving for it is a useless holiday. I want to skip it as well but for totally different reasons. So what is the point in Thanksgiving? Isn't it to take a minute and think what it is that you are thankful for in life? I write this, a few days early for my week is sure to be chaotic and busy and a tad more emotional than I care to deal with.

I am thankful to have a family who is there for me no matter what, who support me no matter what I do, and put up with me even if they disagree with my choices. They accept me as who I am, and they will like me when I do something that hurts them. My family is not limited to blood, friends and people I have claimed along the way count as well. Blood does by no means get you inducted into this inclusive chapter of my life.

I am thankful that I live in a free country, and I am free to mess up and learn from my mistakes. I am thankful that people defend my right to do so, and I am very very thankful that those who I would be lost without are safe.

Thanksgiving doesn't come with presents nor music, but it does come with a sense of belonging, which is much more important. It comes with the satisfaction of knowing you are loved and will be loved, and that there is good in the world no matter how messed up the "world" you are currently in is.

I am thankful for every person I have ever got to know in my life, for they showed me the good the bad and the ugly, I am thankful for everyone who trusted me enough to let them into their life, so I could share a part of myself with them in return. I am thankful I have gotten hurt, I am thankful I have hurt others for this all made me the strong independent woman I am today. I am also glad for every person who has shown me the not so nice side of themselves, for my opinions have been molded by both good and bad experiences. I have had people bring out sides of me I have never knew I had, and I have had people manipulate me to their liking, in the end every bit of this made me who I am today.  I am not proud of everything I have done, I certainly am not proud of everything I say, but I am who I am, and I wouldn't be if it wasn't for every person who has came in and out of my life.

I am thankful my dearest showed me I could trust him again, I am thankful he needs me right now. I am thankful he trusts me. I am thankful that I got to help bring out this new perspective on life.

I am thankful that my friends do not hesitate to come to me when the world seems to be failing them, and nothing seems to go right. I am positive I have saved some of them from dropping off the deep end of life, and the world would not be the same without them. I am also thankful I seen these experiences from their eyes because I am pretty sure that is one of the things that has kept me from entering that "too far gone to turn back" mindset.

Thanksgiving isn't about eating all the food you can to get fat, I love home cooked meals more than anything, but that isn't the case. It is about being thankful for that in which you do have, not worrying about what you don't or what you cannot change. I want to skip Thanksgiving in a way because it is impossible to spend it with those who mean the world to me, but I will certainly make the point to be thankful that they are in my life, and that they are safe.

I don't want anything for Christmas, I just want to spend time with all of those who mean so much to me personally.

Uncertainty

If you ever want to feel like you are out of touch, add some uncertainty to your life. When you don't know what is going to happen next, it can be exciting and it can be fun, it can also possibly be the worst feeling in the world. There are things in which we cannot control in our lives, and when we cannot control things we at least want to be certain to when this will portion of our lives will be over. What happens when you don't know?

Do you take the positive attitude and hope for the best? If you look at the positive attitude and don't prepare for the worst, what are you going to do when it doesn't work out that way? Is it going to be disappointing? You bet. Is it going to be the thing that breaks you? Who knows.

Do you take the negative attitude and prepare for the worst? What if you take the negative outlook? Is it easier? Or is it just harder and harder to get through each day? What do you have to look forward to then? Does it make the surprise of getting something better more rewarding? You bet. But will having the negative outlook break you as a person? Who knows. Will it discourage people from helping you? More than likely. How do you hold on? How do you go on?

Attitudes make everything better or worse, but a positive attitude can lead to a lot of disappointment, and a negative attitude makes you hard to get along with. My attitude changes by the second which I am not sure is much better.

Tonight, I am with you (something new)

Tonight, I am with you.
I am wrapped in your arms.
We are talking about our fears.
We face opposite directions.
Yet we are both smiling.
We are still both afraid,
Somehow the fact we are together makes it easier.
No matter how bad things go,
We still have one another,
Even if only in our dreams.

What is love? (something old)

What is love?
Love is laughter.
Love is friendship.
Love is honesty.
Love is trust.
Love is confidence.
Love is saying what you feel.
Love is never questioning.
Love travels all distances.
Love breaks all the rules.
Love is wonderful.
However a good friendship is easily mistaken for love.
And that friendship will never again be the same

Thoughts

This town is filled with sirens tonight.
They are so loud, so obnoxious,
and yet so filled with adrenaline.

Tonight I am with you,
even if only in our dreams

Time

Time means nothing,

and yet time is everything.

Time is something that is guaranteed, we do not think about it most of the time. We count down time to specific events, but when they get here time is still irrelevant. Yet time is all we have, we are limited to how long we will be alive and what we will have time to do. Many people often say something about reminding those you love them that you love them because there may not be another time. This is so true and yet we usually don't think about it. If I live to be 100, this year of my life will not be so significant, yet if I die tomorrow, everything I do today just got amplified in importance, how do you want to spend your last moments of your life? Will you know when that time is coming? Do you even want to?

Right now, I am waiting for time to pass on and wishing it would speed up because of certain obstacles in life. Another part of me feels like this is already going too fast, I am a junior in college, and yet I still feel like I'm more of a kid than an adult. I want to have time to work on projects that are due shortly, and I want to spend as much of my time as possible with people who are important to me as a person, and we never know when our day will come. 

My love

I always hear people complaining about their boyfriends, and their relationships in general. Life gives us all our own problems, we have our own pasts, and we each have our own obstacles. When we join someone in a relationship we are usually looking for someone who we hope to spend the rest of our lives with, but we often forget that when we do this we no longer have just our own obstacles and challenges; but we adopt one another's as well. It is that crazy little thing called love, and it isn't suppose to be easy.

In order to get along you have to understand one another, and you have to agree to be friends. However to be friends you have to accept one another and all of the flaws the other has. You have to accept their pasts, their bad habits, and their flaws, and you have to live with them. I don't know if there is a person that is "perfect," if there is, I sure don't know them. But I know plenty of people who are "perfect for me" who are a part of my life, I don't need to approve of all of their choices and I don't need to understand them totally, I just need to accept them.

In a relationship I believe this is essential, a person cannot be judged based on rumors, the past, or stories. Not a single one of us is perfect. Yet some how we tend to find someone who is "perfect" for us, and who makes us feel perfect, and we call this insane concept love. If you go about your daily life complaining about the person you are involved in romantically, then you might as well give up now.

I love that he makes me feel absolutely amazing, he reminds me how much he needs me, and he tells me how beautiful I am as a person. I have never felt like I could do so much to help anyone until now, he always is telling me that I am wonderful, and how great of a person I am. He tells me how much he needs me, how thankful he is for me sticking with him through the thick and the thin, which he certainly deserves, and he is always telling me I am beautiful. I am the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to him in his life he tells me. He tells me I am beautiful when I say I look terrible, he tells me I am a beautiful person, and most importantly he makes me believe I am beautiful myself even when he isn't around.
I really do hope I make him feel half as amazing as he makes me feel everyday.

I love you

You make me feel amazing,
you make me feel beautiful,
you make me feel perfect.

Some days I fear I will disappoint you,
Yet I never seem to do so,
you always make me feel irreplaceable.

Right now, this seems difficult,
Yet I wake up thinking about you,
and a smile creeps across my face.

I roll out of bed and get dressed,
I smile when I look in the mirror,
I know you'd say I look beautiful.

I go on with my daily life,
thinking about you,
and missing you.

Before I go to bed, I scribble you a letter,
and make sure to reassure you,
that I am all yours baby.

I whisper goodnight to you,
and tell you that I love you,
I know you feel it.

We will get through this my love,
we have gotten through so much already,
we are perfect for one another.

I hope I do the same for you,
we both know we live separate lives,
somehow when they mesh together we have perfection.

I love being wrapped in your arms,
when nothing is off limits,
and we can be totally honest and ourselves.

You amaze me sweetie. I love you more than I ever thought was possible.

Sometimes you need something to look forward to

Sometimes we are all in a rough spot, we all countdown to something whether it be the end of the semester, the day you should be done with something, or even the day somethings due so it is out of your way. Countdowns help us manage our lives in smaller portions instead of looking at things as a whole picture, breaking it into pieces is sometimes easier. But in the grand scheme of things a year is pretty irrelevant. If you live to be 80, how important is a month in the big picture? We count down to make things more manageable, more easy to work through one day at a time, because when we don't know the outcome of something we do just that we take it one day at a time.

Life is complicated, parts of it are a mess, and we can't avoid it no matter how hard we try, we fall in love, we get our hearts break, we grow apart in all hopes to find people who we can depend on "forever." I am lucky to have a few people in my life who have known me for 7 or 8 years who mean the world to me, who keep me going when everyone else fails me. I also have my family who means the world to me and can usually help me through anything, I can talk to my parents about just about anything, and if necessary I can make it sound like it isn't about me.

A part of being a friend is being there when the other person needs you, at this point in my life, if you only want to be there when we are having a good time, I don't care to be friends to start, I can have fun with plenty of people. I also am getting to the point if you can't be there when I need you, I don't care to have you in my life. I know for a fact I am there for my friends when they need me, I try my hardest to be a good friend, sometimes I have so much going on in my own life I don't do an excellent job, but I sure try. I don't make judgments towards things I do not understand, and if you call me crying, I will listen, even if I told you it was stupid before you did it. As a friend I would expect you to return the favor, or next time you call crying I may not be as helpful. I am very proud of my friends, I would go to the end of the earth and back for any one of them.

Sometimes, the one thing you are looking forward to is all that is keeping you going at the end of the day. As I said I would go to the end of the earth for any one of my true friends. Right now I know for a fact I am the only thing keeping someone very important to me going and it is frustrating, empowering, and it makes me feel amazing. I am so frustrated because I have no idea how to help, and no one else seems to be doing it, even though they are indeed trying. I wish I had some help being motivating and encouraging, because I have a lot of other things happening in my life as well. At the same time having the ability to make or break someone is empowering, sometimes to the point it isn't good. I don't want to control this relationship, but I already do, at this point he certainly needs me more than I need him, and in a way that makes me feel pretty special. I am glad I am the one he wants and the one who can help him through this dark spot in his life. In another way, it scares me to death.