What do I want for us...

I have been thinking about this a lot.
I have been thinking about my future lately, somehow he seems to be a part of my plans too. I want to grow old with someone and be happy, I want to have a family, I want to own something of my own. I want to go to bed each night cuddling with a man I love. Some day I want to have a child, and spoil it rotten. I want to have a career and find my own happiness.

Merry Christmas

So what did you want for Christmas this year? Was it simple and easy; or a long list and complicated? What I wanted most was complicated beyond doubt; yet I was not asking for a lot.

For Christmas I wanted to see three individuals I had not gotten a chance to spend time with for the last few months.
Somehow everything I wished for came true; I got to spend time with all three of them.

Perfection is not when everything goes how you want, perfection is when nothing does but you manage to be happy anyhow. I have found my version of perfection, it isn't perfect we have our battles we have our obstacles yet we also have one another. I could ask for a lot more, I could ask for simplicity, yet I don't know if we would be here if everything was perfect. I don't think I would want to chance that. I know I can't control what obstacles we have currently, so, why bother? We have found happiness. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

Rules and regulations...

I haven't had the chance to complain yet; or I haven't wanted to. Rules and regulations are changing our relationship right now so much. I do not wish to complain here; I wish to shed some humor on our situation in it's crazy way. Despite rules, regulations and a million complicated things; we have one another and it is absolutely perfect.

1. No Internet access -
Everything in today's society requires wifi to function. We have wifi on our phones computers and iPods. I am writing this on mine now. Most devices auto connect and we don't think about it.
So, he uses his iPhone as an iPod touch, apparently you can set restrictions on almost everything down to how old the apps are intended for.
I feel like a parent setting up controls for my four year old, password protected so he can't access it.
I restricted him from his phone, and helped restrict him from life I decided.

2. No camera
Try finding a cell phone without a camera. Really. He isn't allowed to have a camera on his phone. It is not easy to do because we all look for tech savvy phones, phones without cameras are hard to find especially when you are looking for one to use on a plan. I found one for the dearest, it was cheap too, but still hard to find.
His iphone, also had a camera and I locked him out of that as well.
Thanks iPhone for allowing me to restrict my boyfriend as if he's four. :-).
I told the dear that if he still can't use his iPhone because of the camera and just wants it as an iPod, if it was an issue to let me know and we would trade for a while.

3. House arrest-
Total house arrest for two weeks means a few things; one of which is I now have the ability to spoil him instead of him always spoiling me. What better of a girlfriend can you get that brings you chocolate, your favorite soda and sunflower seeds. Or, a new cell phone so that you have a phone. He always spoils me, now it is my turn. Plus he is mad I got him something for Christmas. I got him a video game, so it will occupy his time a bit and make this a bit better and less tedious on him. I know he can't buy me anything right now, he doesn't have it, and he can't go anywhere. The thing is I don't want anything! I already got what I wanted for Christmas I don't want a dang thing more.
My parents made a joke that the person who pulled in and left here was "one of my boyfriends," I laughed and I'm like I only have one boyfriend and I can tell you exactly where he's at.
The ball and chain keeps him on a short leash... 'cept it isn't me with the leash.
He hasn't had much of a chance to get bored yet, so he isn't going too insane yet. I have been over there almost every day of the week. His monitor is digging into his leg pretty badly, which sucks.

4. What they can't have-
They can regulate as much as they want, there can be a million rules and a million things that are simply put annoying as heck. However; there is some things they cannot take. They cannot take our love away, they cannot take away the feelings or the trust we have for one another. So, no matter how bad it seems, we got this, we will get there one day at a time. Even if some days it seems like the world really is out to get him in trouble.

Never giving this up

“As long as the ties that bind us together are stronger than those that would tear us apart, all will be well.”

My mind has been racing, nothing seems to make sense and some days it just seems to be so much crap it isn't worth it. Yet, a bit of time together a lot of talking and I have remembered why I stayed through this whole mess to begin with. I couldn't give this up if I wanted to even if it it overwhelming and complicated. Nothing is simple, and yet it doesn't even matter. I have all the faith in the world we can get through whatever life throws at us, because we are stronger together. We have got this.

I spent the night cuddling last night, and talking. I feel like I have totally occupied his time since he came home. It has been perfect though, I have reconnected with my dearest love and it is amazing. Together we have got this, it doesn't matter how much crap we need to overcome, I wouldn't want it any other way I am happy, I know he is happy, and that is all that matters. Love conquers all things. It is so amazing to be able to talk for more than three minutes, without it costing a fortune and having that in the back of our mind the whole time we are talking. It feels amazing to just hold one another close, and not let anything come between the two of us.

This morning, he must have had a bad dream, he rolls over and says to me; "With any luck babe, maybe I'll get out today..." "Haha, babe, where are you getting out of?" "...never-mind."

A little bit of Love will get you through anything life throws at you.

Perfection

Sometimes the fact that we already gave up on something just makes it that much more rewarding.
Wishes do come true.
Christmas has brought me almost everything I could possibly want.
I am so glad to be home.
I am so glad to spend a holiday with all of the people who make my life complete.

Last night I had given up.
Your mom called and I sprang up.
Butterflies in my stomach,
I rushed over to meet your parents.
I stopped and grabbed your vices.
I knew all you needed was me.
But for you, anything.
Waiting for you outside took forever,
The trip over was way too long.
I just needed to touch you.
To feel you, to hold you.
And then I did,
We were probably the obsessive couple
To everyone around us,
We couldn't keep our hands off one another.
And we talked,
Something we haven't been able to do
In what feels like ages upon ages.
GASH did I miss you my dear.

Never let go, just hold me tight, if not in your arms then in your heart.

You restored my faith last night dear, and it was an absolutely perfect night, what more in the world could I ask for? I am so glad you are home, and so glad to be able to talk to you for more than 2 minutes at a shot. I can talk to you whenever I want, and I can come cuddle with you whenever possible.

Life is good.
Love you.

One day at a time my love

Today had our hopes up.
It was something to look forward to.
I encouraged you to dream big.
Yet I apologize for getting your hopes up.

I don't care if it's tomorrow,
Next week or next month, or next year.
We will get there baby.
One day at a time. Together.

I am not going any place,
I am not giving up on you,
I'm not giving up on us.
I truly do love you.

We will get there together.
One day at a time my dear,
Even at the worst
We are getting closer everyday.

Hang in there my sweetie.
Keep your head up, and we will get through this mess. Together.

When do you give up?

When is it time to give up?
You cannot have a relationship without communication. I don't mean "hey, how are you? love you, bye". I mean actual talking. You need to know what is going on physically and emotionally. Sometimes this just isn't the case. Sometimes there are a million reasons why this is difficult, but seriously you can make it through anything by communicating. It doesn't matter if you spend 10 hours a day on the phone (P.S. that isn't communicating that is just being obsessive,) or a minute, or if you don't even talk every day. There is letters, there is email, and above all, when you call or write or text, you need to actually talk, or express yourself.. and how you are feeling and doing, not useless menial things that do not matter.
Is it ever wrong to give up?
Is it wrong to give up on something when at the moment they need it the most? Is it right to push something for someone else's sake when it may or may not be what is the best for you? Sometimes is it essential? I might be the emotional intelligence individual in the grand schemes of things, but when do you give up? Usually I would tell people as soon as you start asking yourself that question. Given the situation I have no idea, we all have doubts at some point or another.
Is it ever right to stray?
Have you ever done something stupid because at the time you felt like you just needed or wanted to do it? Have you questioned if it was right forever afterwards? What is cheating? What is straying? Most guys seem to have the attitude "I can look, I just can't touch" yet I feel like that is not the attitude they want their girlfriends to have. So, when is it wrong? At what point is it too far? When is it alright? Is there ever a point where you don't give a shit because seriously everything is wrong? Does that make it okay?
What is better, the truth, or leaving it out?
Most of us pride ourselves on telling the truth. Every one of us has been guilty of "leaving it out" which is just a way to lie and make yourself feel good about it. We all do it, on a daily basis, we don't tell someone when someone says something mean about them; we roll our eyes when we disagree with someone. So when do you leave things out and when do you fess up? When it is weighing on your mind, or never? Is there ever an appropriate time to fess up? There is lots of times where it is not appropriate for sure. 

School

I tutor at an elementary school for an after school homework help program. I started about two months ago, and it is twice a week for an hour at a time. I have had some fun experiences so far with it. The first day I was over there, I discovered I knew one of the students from my placement for early field last year, and some boy yelled at me for smiling at him, I was later informed he is labeled emotionally disturbed and I let it go. After that the teacher who is in charge kinda took over when ever this student raised his hand or needed help. Yesterday, I was floating around and helping students as soon as I walked in. I said hi to him as usual, and all nothing really was uncommon. Floated around helping students, and while I was helping a group of students the supervising teacher asks him if he needs help, and he tells him no he wants me to come help him! So I went over and helped him. He then finished his work and helped me help the girl next to him on math. It was not anything that was a big deal, but this student doesn't like people he doesn't know.  He picked me to help him, out of the normal teacher and two other volunteers.

Change

Today we were asked if we felt we had changed since coming to college. I know I have. I have grown up in the small town everyones got your back kinda way. I came to a city where I knew no one, to change myself. I wanted to see things through other perspectives. I must admit I want to go back, fast food and walking to the store is nice, but there's nothing like the small town atmosphere. The thing is I can't go back. I have adapted so much to living in essentially on my own, where no ones got your back but a few individuals. It is different, but while I have expanded my own horizons home has changed without me too. Home always changes when you leave, but for me it's like the industrial revolution has taken over the place I call home. Huge changes happen to all of us.
If you told me when I left for college that I'd have a forever friendship with the guy I was dating, but we wouldn't last long; my high school sweetheart and I would end back together, natural gas would change all I know at home, and that I'd be introduced to a whole new culture and set of ideas I would have been even more afraid, and probably would have argued with you.
College isn't about learning things in classes, although I am much more knowledgeable then I was a few years ago I am sure just by the way I talk and the way I think.  I have always been quick to associate things and grasp new ideas in my life. College was about the experience, and I don't mean the drinking experience, I do not do that.

Thankful Me

Some days we are all guilty of taking people for granted. We don't always make time to think about the people who mean the world to us, we don't do it intentionally. We all use the line "I don't have time" that is impossible, a minute of your time can be used to do a million things (like write a blog post about this instead of working on my unit...). Somehow we all get wrapped up in whatever is happening in our lives we forget the best part, our friends, and the people who keep us going. Yet we never hesitate when we need them, we might hesitate a bit because we don't want their opinion, and we know they will give it, but when we need someone to talk to we know who we can call- no matter what. We know who we can call or talk to when we did something stupid and we don't want to be judged. We know who will kick someones ass for hurting us. Somehow at some point we are all like "I was busy, I didn't have time," yet when we do end up reconnecting, there is never enough time spent just talking and laughing. Somehow we make the time when something happens, and throws us out of our "lives" yet the imbalance, the chaos and sometimes the absolutely horrible things that happen to us, seem to reconnect us with what is important in our lives. Maybe all things do happen for a reason, maybe we need reminded of what matters to us and who is worth our time or isn't worth it.

Love

Everytime I say I love you...
I'm really trying to say so much more
than those three little words.
I'm trying to say you mean more to me
than anyone else in the world.
I'm trying to let you know that I adore you
and that I cherish the time we spend together.
I'm trying to explain that I want you and that I need you
and that I get lost in wonderful thoughts
every time I think about you.
And each time I whisper "I love you",
I'm trying to remind you that you're
the best thing that has ever happened to me.

~Anon.

I love this poem, because it is so true. Half of the time I look for poems for ideas, and nothing fits how I feel.

One two minute phone call makes me smile for the next 24 hours. One hour spent with you, makes my life perfect for the whole week. One night spent with you, makes everything worth it. We can fight, we can argue, we can laugh, we can smile, and we can talk one another's ears off! At the end of the day it doesn't matter because there is not one way to measure our love, it is something that lies deep within us.  We don't have to spend every moment wrapped in one another's arms. As much as that seems perfect, we would get sick of each other and have nothing to talk about. We can go days without talking, without ever doubting one another, do you know why? We have faith, and we trust each other. Trust is the key to every relationship, and at the end of the day I trust you with my heart. I love you, and I love how you make me feel.

When we stop surprising one another, it is time to try harder or quit.

I always have joked with you,
I will never cease to surprise you.
That goes both ways,
You always are surprising me.
You sneak into my daily thoughts,
There isn't an hour that goes by,
That I don't think about you.
You make me happy,
You make me smile.
Most importantly,
You make me, ME.

You make me feel like I can accomplish anything,
You also make me see the other sides of things,
And take things a bit less seriously.
We even one another out.
We complete one another's faults.

What is in a touch?

Touch is something we all take for granted. Have you ever looked into someones eyes and wanted to reach out and touch them? Have you ever found that impossible? Sometimes there is barriers between us, weather they are physical or just social those barriers are huge. They allow us to distance ourselves further and they strain our relationships.
Sometimes we put those barriers us ourselves, we want that distance because we don't want to get that close; we don't want to be that vulnerable. Other times, those barriers are placed by someone else, either because we aren't suppose to, or because we physically can't.
Some people in our lives are so close, yet so far away.


I can sit less than a few feet away from you.
I want so bad to touch you.
To just feel the warmth of your touch.
To hold you close and reassure you,
Everything will be just fine.
We will get there,
And most of all,
We will be stronger for it.
I love you,
I dread coming to see you,
Because it isn't close enough,
But it is totally worth it to be in your presence.
To be able to see your face,
To hear your voice.
And to be able to talk to you,
For more than three or four minutes.

The sound of my cell

When my phone rings and vibrates like crazy,
My heart stops momentarily.
Somehow some way I just wish it were you,
I don't care how likely it is to be you.
When I look down and see it is you,
I get nervous and butterflies in my stomach,
I forget everything I wanted to tell you.
All that comes out is "I love you."
I guess that is what is most important,
I guess that is all I can deal with,
I always get butterflies when I am around you,
I have no idea why,
Yet it isn't like I am nervous to be near you,
Or that I try to impress you,
I just can't figure out how I deserve someone,
Who treats me like you treat me.
Like I am perfect.

Have hope, have faith, have trust, have love

Lately, things have been piled so high on my plate I need sideboards. I can't handle all of this thrown at me some days. Then of course when something is bothering one part of your life it seems to be ever so present in everything else you do in life. It is overwhelming and mostly it is just exhausting. Somehow I need to find the energy to pull through because I have so much depending on me, so many people depending on me to keep them strong. It is insane and sometimes I have no idea what to do next, so I just plow through and do as much as I can. Some days that isn't a whole lot.
I haven't cried yet. I haven't broke down. I haven't let this get to me too badly. I am too attached to not be going nuts though. I am also too attached to leave. What do I do? I don't think there is anything for me to do other than I am already doing, plow through and keep everyone strong, maybe at my own expense. Hopefully it pays off. You have to risk something to be happy after all right?

I am not ready to face this week

Here I am wide awake with more than an hour to spare before I have to be in class, and yet I am working on my blog to relieve my minds chasing thoughts instead of a lesson plan or something else for my unit which is due a week from tomorrow. I don't know how I am going to finish that even, a few hours later is going to be dedicated just to that I suppose. Hopefully I can accomplish something, I have two weeks left of the semester then a week of finals before Christmas break. I am so looking forward to break already. I want my friends, my family and my amazing boyfriend all back in my world for a bit, even if it will only be about two weeks. I could so use it right now. My faith is restored with hope and staying strong which is well needed because otherwise these next three weeks would end up killing me, or at least my relationships.

But, he never seems to stop surprising me no matter how irritable I am, or how bad the situation is, he helps me through it and sometimes I am sure my complaining and over reacting really isn't helping him. That is what a relationship is, give and take, and we will get there, one day at a time.

Stay Strong and Hang in there

Lately I have been so determined to "stay strong" and keep everyone strong, as a result I have stayed in that mindset myself really well actually. Somehow at the beginning of this last week I faltered a bit, it is the holidays, reality is scaring me a bit and somehow I lost some faith in the world and things working out. I know things could go one of a million ways, and the uncertainty is scaring me to death. I don't know what to expect but I do know that I am just hoping and somewhat praying (and I am not really all that religious) for things to work out as planned.
My negative bad mood rubbed off a bit this week because it came out in a love letter, which probably seemed more like a rant with I love you and I miss you scribbled at the end in the margin. I sometimes have my bad days too, thankfully for everyone, they are few and far between. I keep a lot of people going, and I don't break down that easy, I haven't cried over this mess yet, and the only day I was awfully close was the day of court. I can't promise you forever at this point. the next three weeks is intimidating enough. I know this is mutual but I really cannot wait until this whole part of our lives is behind us, because as frustrating as it is, even if I wanted to run - I am too attached to do so.

All things considered... things are about as perfect as they can be!

Sometimes what we dread is what we need to face the most.
Sometimes things happen that we cannot change.
Sometimes people come into our lives we do not expect to mean anything,
Sometimes we realize they are the ones we can't live without.


We always want to control everything in our lives,
It isn't all that simple sometimes,
Things happen, Mistakes are made,
Our pasts can't be unwritten.


Why do we try so hard?
Why does everything have to be "perfect?"
When we take it one day at a time,
One step at a time,
"As good as it gets"
Is perfection.


WE are perfect together, nothing else matters, and together we will get there because we help one another out along the way.

everyone always says how god is suppose to help them and god is suppose to save you but no, god has people who will and instead of going who can give me money or who can help me... you should think who you can help..

What are you thankful for?

In the last week or so, I have heard multiple times that people want to skip Thanksgiving for it is a useless holiday. I want to skip it as well but for totally different reasons. So what is the point in Thanksgiving? Isn't it to take a minute and think what it is that you are thankful for in life? I write this, a few days early for my week is sure to be chaotic and busy and a tad more emotional than I care to deal with.

I am thankful to have a family who is there for me no matter what, who support me no matter what I do, and put up with me even if they disagree with my choices. They accept me as who I am, and they will like me when I do something that hurts them. My family is not limited to blood, friends and people I have claimed along the way count as well. Blood does by no means get you inducted into this inclusive chapter of my life.

I am thankful that I live in a free country, and I am free to mess up and learn from my mistakes. I am thankful that people defend my right to do so, and I am very very thankful that those who I would be lost without are safe.

Thanksgiving doesn't come with presents nor music, but it does come with a sense of belonging, which is much more important. It comes with the satisfaction of knowing you are loved and will be loved, and that there is good in the world no matter how messed up the "world" you are currently in is.

I am thankful for every person I have ever got to know in my life, for they showed me the good the bad and the ugly, I am thankful for everyone who trusted me enough to let them into their life, so I could share a part of myself with them in return. I am thankful I have gotten hurt, I am thankful I have hurt others for this all made me the strong independent woman I am today. I am also glad for every person who has shown me the not so nice side of themselves, for my opinions have been molded by both good and bad experiences. I have had people bring out sides of me I have never knew I had, and I have had people manipulate me to their liking, in the end every bit of this made me who I am today.  I am not proud of everything I have done, I certainly am not proud of everything I say, but I am who I am, and I wouldn't be if it wasn't for every person who has came in and out of my life.

I am thankful my dearest showed me I could trust him again, I am thankful he needs me right now. I am thankful he trusts me. I am thankful that I got to help bring out this new perspective on life.

I am thankful that my friends do not hesitate to come to me when the world seems to be failing them, and nothing seems to go right. I am positive I have saved some of them from dropping off the deep end of life, and the world would not be the same without them. I am also thankful I seen these experiences from their eyes because I am pretty sure that is one of the things that has kept me from entering that "too far gone to turn back" mindset.

Thanksgiving isn't about eating all the food you can to get fat, I love home cooked meals more than anything, but that isn't the case. It is about being thankful for that in which you do have, not worrying about what you don't or what you cannot change. I want to skip Thanksgiving in a way because it is impossible to spend it with those who mean the world to me, but I will certainly make the point to be thankful that they are in my life, and that they are safe.

I don't want anything for Christmas, I just want to spend time with all of those who mean so much to me personally.

Uncertainty

If you ever want to feel like you are out of touch, add some uncertainty to your life. When you don't know what is going to happen next, it can be exciting and it can be fun, it can also possibly be the worst feeling in the world. There are things in which we cannot control in our lives, and when we cannot control things we at least want to be certain to when this will portion of our lives will be over. What happens when you don't know?

Do you take the positive attitude and hope for the best? If you look at the positive attitude and don't prepare for the worst, what are you going to do when it doesn't work out that way? Is it going to be disappointing? You bet. Is it going to be the thing that breaks you? Who knows.

Do you take the negative attitude and prepare for the worst? What if you take the negative outlook? Is it easier? Or is it just harder and harder to get through each day? What do you have to look forward to then? Does it make the surprise of getting something better more rewarding? You bet. But will having the negative outlook break you as a person? Who knows. Will it discourage people from helping you? More than likely. How do you hold on? How do you go on?

Attitudes make everything better or worse, but a positive attitude can lead to a lot of disappointment, and a negative attitude makes you hard to get along with. My attitude changes by the second which I am not sure is much better.

Tonight, I am with you (something new)

Tonight, I am with you.
I am wrapped in your arms.
We are talking about our fears.
We face opposite directions.
Yet we are both smiling.
We are still both afraid,
Somehow the fact we are together makes it easier.
No matter how bad things go,
We still have one another,
Even if only in our dreams.

What is love? (something old)

What is love?
Love is laughter.
Love is friendship.
Love is honesty.
Love is trust.
Love is confidence.
Love is saying what you feel.
Love is never questioning.
Love travels all distances.
Love breaks all the rules.
Love is wonderful.
However a good friendship is easily mistaken for love.
And that friendship will never again be the same

Thoughts

This town is filled with sirens tonight.
They are so loud, so obnoxious,
and yet so filled with adrenaline.

Tonight I am with you,
even if only in our dreams

Time

Time means nothing,

and yet time is everything.

Time is something that is guaranteed, we do not think about it most of the time. We count down time to specific events, but when they get here time is still irrelevant. Yet time is all we have, we are limited to how long we will be alive and what we will have time to do. Many people often say something about reminding those you love them that you love them because there may not be another time. This is so true and yet we usually don't think about it. If I live to be 100, this year of my life will not be so significant, yet if I die tomorrow, everything I do today just got amplified in importance, how do you want to spend your last moments of your life? Will you know when that time is coming? Do you even want to?

Right now, I am waiting for time to pass on and wishing it would speed up because of certain obstacles in life. Another part of me feels like this is already going too fast, I am a junior in college, and yet I still feel like I'm more of a kid than an adult. I want to have time to work on projects that are due shortly, and I want to spend as much of my time as possible with people who are important to me as a person, and we never know when our day will come. 

My love

I always hear people complaining about their boyfriends, and their relationships in general. Life gives us all our own problems, we have our own pasts, and we each have our own obstacles. When we join someone in a relationship we are usually looking for someone who we hope to spend the rest of our lives with, but we often forget that when we do this we no longer have just our own obstacles and challenges; but we adopt one another's as well. It is that crazy little thing called love, and it isn't suppose to be easy.

In order to get along you have to understand one another, and you have to agree to be friends. However to be friends you have to accept one another and all of the flaws the other has. You have to accept their pasts, their bad habits, and their flaws, and you have to live with them. I don't know if there is a person that is "perfect," if there is, I sure don't know them. But I know plenty of people who are "perfect for me" who are a part of my life, I don't need to approve of all of their choices and I don't need to understand them totally, I just need to accept them.

In a relationship I believe this is essential, a person cannot be judged based on rumors, the past, or stories. Not a single one of us is perfect. Yet some how we tend to find someone who is "perfect" for us, and who makes us feel perfect, and we call this insane concept love. If you go about your daily life complaining about the person you are involved in romantically, then you might as well give up now.

I love that he makes me feel absolutely amazing, he reminds me how much he needs me, and he tells me how beautiful I am as a person. I have never felt like I could do so much to help anyone until now, he always is telling me that I am wonderful, and how great of a person I am. He tells me how much he needs me, how thankful he is for me sticking with him through the thick and the thin, which he certainly deserves, and he is always telling me I am beautiful. I am the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to him in his life he tells me. He tells me I am beautiful when I say I look terrible, he tells me I am a beautiful person, and most importantly he makes me believe I am beautiful myself even when he isn't around.
I really do hope I make him feel half as amazing as he makes me feel everyday.

I love you

You make me feel amazing,
you make me feel beautiful,
you make me feel perfect.

Some days I fear I will disappoint you,
Yet I never seem to do so,
you always make me feel irreplaceable.

Right now, this seems difficult,
Yet I wake up thinking about you,
and a smile creeps across my face.

I roll out of bed and get dressed,
I smile when I look in the mirror,
I know you'd say I look beautiful.

I go on with my daily life,
thinking about you,
and missing you.

Before I go to bed, I scribble you a letter,
and make sure to reassure you,
that I am all yours baby.

I whisper goodnight to you,
and tell you that I love you,
I know you feel it.

We will get through this my love,
we have gotten through so much already,
we are perfect for one another.

I hope I do the same for you,
we both know we live separate lives,
somehow when they mesh together we have perfection.

I love being wrapped in your arms,
when nothing is off limits,
and we can be totally honest and ourselves.

You amaze me sweetie. I love you more than I ever thought was possible.

Sometimes you need something to look forward to

Sometimes we are all in a rough spot, we all countdown to something whether it be the end of the semester, the day you should be done with something, or even the day somethings due so it is out of your way. Countdowns help us manage our lives in smaller portions instead of looking at things as a whole picture, breaking it into pieces is sometimes easier. But in the grand scheme of things a year is pretty irrelevant. If you live to be 80, how important is a month in the big picture? We count down to make things more manageable, more easy to work through one day at a time, because when we don't know the outcome of something we do just that we take it one day at a time.

Life is complicated, parts of it are a mess, and we can't avoid it no matter how hard we try, we fall in love, we get our hearts break, we grow apart in all hopes to find people who we can depend on "forever." I am lucky to have a few people in my life who have known me for 7 or 8 years who mean the world to me, who keep me going when everyone else fails me. I also have my family who means the world to me and can usually help me through anything, I can talk to my parents about just about anything, and if necessary I can make it sound like it isn't about me.

A part of being a friend is being there when the other person needs you, at this point in my life, if you only want to be there when we are having a good time, I don't care to be friends to start, I can have fun with plenty of people. I also am getting to the point if you can't be there when I need you, I don't care to have you in my life. I know for a fact I am there for my friends when they need me, I try my hardest to be a good friend, sometimes I have so much going on in my own life I don't do an excellent job, but I sure try. I don't make judgments towards things I do not understand, and if you call me crying, I will listen, even if I told you it was stupid before you did it. As a friend I would expect you to return the favor, or next time you call crying I may not be as helpful. I am very proud of my friends, I would go to the end of the earth and back for any one of them.

Sometimes, the one thing you are looking forward to is all that is keeping you going at the end of the day. As I said I would go to the end of the earth for any one of my true friends. Right now I know for a fact I am the only thing keeping someone very important to me going and it is frustrating, empowering, and it makes me feel amazing. I am so frustrated because I have no idea how to help, and no one else seems to be doing it, even though they are indeed trying. I wish I had some help being motivating and encouraging, because I have a lot of other things happening in my life as well. At the same time having the ability to make or break someone is empowering, sometimes to the point it isn't good. I don't want to control this relationship, but I already do, at this point he certainly needs me more than I need him, and in a way that makes me feel pretty special. I am glad I am the one he wants and the one who can help him through this dark spot in his life. In another way, it scares me to death.

Friendship

A friendship is for laughter and fun, but a true friend is still there long after the laughter becomes tears and the situation is no longer enjoyable.

Let it snow Let it snow Let it snow

Most people are complaining, why does it need to snow in October, well it usually snows before the end of October, let's wake up and realize this winter is suppose to be pretty bad. Instead of just complaining about the weather, be happy you have a warm place to stay in from it, it is pretty cold out! If we complain or not, it isn't going to stop. So, why don't we stop to find the beauty in it?

Snow reminds me of Christmas, and Christmas brings out a mood in most people you normally don't get to see. People work together, they help one another and people are cheerful. Christmas day is the most important to children sure, but I think we all love the season deep within ourselves, even if we don't admit to it, there is just something about it.

Chaos is beautiful.

Writing, and what becomes of it

It feels so strange to not be able to talk to you, I don't like it, but I will live.

It took a while for us to be friends,

It took months for you to break my heart,

It took years for us to grow apart,

A few weeks to reconnect,

It took only one night for us to fall in love. 

God has a plan for us all, some bad things need to happen to make us better people; we just need to embrace every day we are given and make the best of it.

And when I lay down at night, I wish it were you I was cuddling with, this monkey just doesn't cut it. 

Someday's it is hard to remember I am not alone in this world - then I get a simple message from you.

Our relationship came out of no where, but rest assured it also isn't going anywhere. 

Baby I am still here

Baby, I know your scared,
Baby, I am afraid too,
Just remember that I love you,
I have always cared.

I am not going anywhere dear,
Hang in there for me baby,
Keep your head high sweetie,
I will not leave you over this.

I know this is hard,
This isn't how it was suppose to go,
You will get through this.
You are strong, and amazing.

I will help you get through this sweetie.
We will get through this together,
And at the end of the day,
Always remember I love you.

Don't give up on me,
And don't lose faith in yourself,
I know who you are,
And that is why I love you.

~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~
This poem is now in image form...

A series of short posts I never finished.

What is the difference between someone you know and a friend? What makes someone a friend? What makes someone a good friend? At what point is someone more than a friend. We all have our opinions on these questions and honestly I think everyone has totally different ideas.

My best friends are the people I can call crying at 3am. Yeah, sure we have all heard that expression, but who really would wake up or stay up talking to you after you break up with your girlfriend? Who would take your side and support you no matter if all the evidence was stacked against you? Who would give up a friendship for you; a relationship? I have went insane amounts of time without talking to some Of my best friends, and although they were offended when I went to them crying that the guy who talked me into not talking to them dumped me they still listened to me and made me feel better. One friend even asked whose ass he was kicking.

We all mess up, we all make mistakes, and we all need friends. I have some of the greatest friends in the world who can be anywhere in the world and I still know they care.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They dated in high school, they never really got along, but they remained friends if you could call it that. When he graduated they kept in touch and when she did the following year they went their separate ways and stayed loosely in touch. She went off to college, he was working two jobs.

They had very little in common except a friendship that barely existed, they trusted each other with information and therefore felt comfortable talking but that was about it. She wasn't comfortable hanging out with him alone because he was pushy and controlling before.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She walked into the room. She was wearing a brown sundress, and a pair of flats. He stared at her with wide eyes, his lips forming a perfect smile as soon as he caught sight of her. She walked in his direction. He stood there still starry eyed and unable to move until she was a few steps away, he stepped forward and took her into his arms.
She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him on the cheek; "Did you miss me?"
"Of course," he whispered in her ear, blowing in it as he did so. She giggled and rubbed her head on his shoulder.

In that moment, nothing else mattered. All the problems they had seemed to be in another world, the only thing that mattered was right in front of them, and they embraced one another. They then talked for hours and laughed and cuddled until it was too cold to remain in their spot where they liked to hang out. In the dark under the stars nothing mattered, they could talk about anything in the world without fear of anything.

They left holding hands and smiling, as they stepped back outside, all the problems of the "real world" seemed to dawn upon them. They had barriers they needed to cross, they each had their own pasts, and they each had their own dreams. However, they looked at one another, reached and grabbed one another's hands. It was going to take more than that to ruin this thing they seemed to have found called love.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I love listening to people complain how they haven't talked to their boyfriend all day, who cares? I love hearing people go on and on about how mad they are at someone, for something stupid. Who cares?
I guess the thing is that I have hit a point in my life, one in which I do not care to worry so much about those things in which I cannot change. I do not care to get mad at people for really dumb stuff. Or at least I try.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Our pasts do not define us.

Our pasts do not define who we are, they explain how we got here. We all change, we mature, we grow, and we learn about ourselves and the world. We all have done things in our past we wish to forget or we wish would go away. Some people are unfortunate enough that these things precede who they are. We are not our records, we are not our pasts. We can not be summed up by a piece of paper, or by the rumors that are spread about us. We all do it, I wish I could honestly tell you I didn't but we need to stop judging each other based on our pasts alone. Our pasts make us who we are, but they aren't a word for word account of who we have became. We need to stop and realize when we are judging someone based on something we had nothing to do with and sometimes we need to step back and make our own decisions. Bad things happen to great people. Bad people can change into great people if a bad thing happens, and the reverse is also true. Next time you meet someone in which you have heard rumors about, or have a bad rap with people you know, or even has a criminal record, instead of doing the easy thing to do and assuming they are a terrible person, take the chance to get to know that individual you may be surprised that not all people suck as bad as some people think they do.

Don't judge people you don't know, don't tell people they are doing the wrong thing based on what you know when you don't understand the situation, and don't give even shittier advice based on no information. Be a friend when someone needs to talk, don't tell them how to live their lives. We all deserve second chances when we are in a hole and we can't get out, and we could all use a supportive friend to help us through it.

Just me and you

Life is crazy, busy and wonderful. I am stressed to the max most days, and so happy others, some days I am so stressed I snap for stupid things I shouldn't worry about. Today is a huge deciding factor for the future of our relationship. I love him, and I can deal with this one day at a time. We can make it through anything because we are honest, truthful, and we make an amazing couple because of it. At the end of the night I love just being in his arms, life then seems perfect. Some days we have our arguments, and feel like strangling one another, this weekend he and I both seemed to be in crappy moods and we both seemed to snap on one another way too easily. We each have our own lives, and they don't always match up perfectly. We do not have the "perfect" relationship. However; we have one another, and at the end of the day, we try to make life more enjoyable. We aren't what people expect, we aren't hiding it, and we don't care what people think. We will get through whatever today brings for us, we will get through it together and that will make us stronger for it. Although I wanted to strangle him a few times this weekend, I truly feel we can have an argument without it destroying us, we both have our days where we end up on each others nerves so badly it's a losing battle. Hopefully soon, the phone will ring with good news.


So this is an edit : Today didn't go well, anyone feels like listening to me complain please talk to me, otherwise, don't bother.

Wordle. Win.

I have been feeling creative lately, but I am too stressed out and busy to form coherent thoughts and sentences. I have so much on my mind, some good writing will be coming soon I do hope. However for now, here is a few word collages, and I may write some (really) later on today after I finish studying for a midterm, or writing the paper for the same midterm. I am a bit busy lately.
These are made with http://Wordle.net which is really cool, and allows you to make word clouds and change what they look like, I just hit random a whole bunch until I find one I like. Some of these are songs, one is just random words that popped into my head about relationships, and two are RSS feeds of my blogs (the one from class, and this blog). 

I just want to be KING

There are days I want to run the world, I want to be in control of everything and I am pretty confident in myself.; life seems easy, life seems like it is going to slow. I feel  in control some days. Some days I wake up knowing I will accomplish something today, other days things just fall into place and I feel on top of the world.

There are other days when getting out of bed is a chore all in itself, I don't want to move I don't want to do anything. When I look at my schedule I freak out and end up getting nothing done when I have a ton to do. I feel overwhelmed by everything around me and even simple tasks haunt me. I feel like I can do nothing right, and finish nothing.

Every moment that I spend with you; nothing seems to matter. Life isn't perfect, we aren't perfect, and yet I know we don't need to be. I don't need to accomplish everything, I sure do not need to do it in a small window of time. We have our problems, but I know they won't hurt us. We won't let them. I don't even want to rule the world, I don't want to rule anything because when I am with you, and you are holding me close, I feel like nothing can hurt me, nothing bad can happen and no matter what I am safe and loved in your arms.

Kenny Chesney's The Woman With You seems to fit here.

Life, Love, Babies and Marriage?

I feel as though I am at the point in my life everything is about babies and marriage. Most of my friends are either engaged, pregnant or hoping for just that. I am still in the mindset I want to get through school and make my own life. I love kids, I plan on working with kids the rest of my life; however I don't want any of my own any time soon.

I feel as though a relationship isn't even considered serious unless you have a ring on your finger or are living together. I don't think that should be the case what-so-ever. I want happiness a heck of a lot more than I want to be married. I don't even want to get engaged until I graduate from college let's be honest here. Yeah, we are to the points in our lives that everyone is looking to get married and settle down, but why settle down when you haven't gotten to where you are going yet? I plan on settling down. I really do, after I have a certificate and a degree and a good job; and most importantly when I am positive I have found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.

I also feel that kids are on everyones list of things that are required, seriously at this point none of us need kids of our own too many parents of my peers are still having kids, seriously don't bother having your own your parents are going to leave you theirs. The world is over populated now, and seriously we don't all need kids to be happy, and they don't need to be our kids if we decide we do want kids.

I want happiness, I want to get married, I want security and some day I may want kids. However, now is not the time for any of it.

"What lies behind us, and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"What lies behind us, and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

I don't know if I could have found a better quote to describe my life, and my thoughts today.

The funny part was it was on accident I came across this quote at all.

I wanted to create a new collage.

I opened SmileBox and clicked the second collage for "love," there is only three and I have already made one of them. Well it just so happened that this was the quote printed in the center of the collage.

Life is crazy, life is a mess, and love isn't perfect.  Seriously as long as you are both happy, all the problems in the world shouldn't keep you apart, life goes on and you can let things come in between you, or you can try to not let them. You can't stop everything, but if you both try it is a lot more enjoyable. 

I found what I wasn't looking for.

More often or not when people ask me what I do on the weekends, or who I hang out with usually I reply by telling them that I am anti-social. Truly I do not even believe this to be the case. I am not socially awkward, but I don't care to try to make new friends.
  

I know who my friends are, if I need something I can go to them or if I need a friend they are there for me. I don't mean it in the "I can call him at three in the morning," sense too, although thats important, I truly feel my truest friends are the ones I can go to when I need a place to crash, when I need to borrow money, when I need something to do, and when I need to get something off my chest. I also know for a fact that if they are able to give me what I am asking from them, they will.


Friendship isn't one sided, I will do almost anything for my friends as well. I don't feel the need to make new friends, or try to at least. Friends seem to come into your life from no place. If you try to make a friend, it is usually forced and the friendship doesn't seem to be worth holding on to anyhow. The same goes for relationships.


People are not perfect. We are all human, we all make mistakes and we all do really stupid stuff. More importantly we all do things we wish we could change. In the long run, we hope they don't destroy everything in our lives that make us happy. Today many people go through life looking at people and things based only on what they have heard from other people.


We have all had rumors spread about us, and more than likely we are all guilty of spreading a few ourselves even if we aren't proud of doing so. In the long run we need to make our own decisions on people. We need to form our own opinions based on who the person is, and how they treat us, and maybe those who are close to us. We cannot all go through life listening to only the rumors and never get to know anyone, we would all be hermits because no one is loved by everyone. We all make mistakes, why don't we all give one another that benefit of the doubt and treat them how they treat us.


I have been really thinking about all of this for quite some time, it is easier said than meant and in a few situations I refused to say it until I absolutely meant it. I will be there for my friends no matter what happens. I will not judge people based on stories I hear from other people, and I will do my best to understand both sides of things. I will not judge people on solely the labels that have been placed upon them.


I will do my best to keep these words, I really truly do believe in each and every bit of it. Even if some days it is easier to take the easy way out. I know people can use me and my loyalisms, I realize people can take advantage of my forgiveness; but at the end of the day, I truly believe everyone should adopt their own beliefs that are somewhat similar. This makes me a better person. It also makes me content and happy with myself. Other people may think I am crazy, why should I be giving so many people the opportunity to prove themselves, but the better question is why wont they?

Home sweet flooding

In a way I would love to be home right now, instead I am at school. While it's much safer here and a lot more dry, I feel torn between the two. I have checked on I believe everyone and everyone is so far so good. Flooding has taken quite a toll on most of the people I am so close to. We live in a pretty rural area and most of the time you know quite a few people. There are kids at my high school who have been there since Wednesday morning when school started.

Heres to life

I apologize for being gone like forever, I just started school again, I have been spending time with someone new, who also happens to be old, and in general I just have a lot on my plate.

I feel the need to write this, however I kind of don't know how much of it I want to share.

I have been pretty stressed out for a whole array of reasons. Yesterday I tried explaining this to a friend who is unaware of the one situation, most of my friends are. So, I explained that one of my issues right now was a relationship issue. I don't know if she was trying to be nice, or just felt it was what needed to be said but she told me it would just blow over. Well, it won't. I really wish it would, but it isn't going to.

I love talking through my fears, yet it takes so much trust to do, theres very few people who see that side of me. I also love writing, it calms me down. I have done a lot of the talking part, total openness and honesty is such a feeling, I don't know if there is any other thing like it. Sure; it is really hard to be totally open, but it can happen if you are feeling comfortable enough at the moment. Somehow I enjoy these open and honest conversations so much better in the dark, alone and cuddling so much more than over the phone, but I will take what I can get. I really hope I don't lose the ability to have these conversations, they keep me going. In a way; I have no idea what to expect, in another I have decided to prepare myself for the worst, then at least I am not disappointed too much more.

Unfortunately, I believe he is preparing for the best, and as much as I really hope for the best, I am in a way expecting the worst or at least somewhere in the middle. I know that sounds really terrible, but I am not an optimist, I am quite a realist, even if that makes me a pessimistic at times. It stresses me out, it drives me insane and it makes me want to run.

I find it amusing he is so worried I am going to leave him, over this. There may become a point I can't deal with it for personal or professional reasons, but for now that isn't the case. If I wanted to run I would have done so already. This totally honest relationship we have is wonderful; but it is pretty intimidating. If I accepted getting into this, despite the problems, and with all strings attached you can bet I am going to do my best to make sure that these strings don't split us up.  If a time arises where I feel I need to make that decision, I will do so, but I will indeed talk about it with him.

I would love to say your past makes no difference and in so many ways it doesn't but it does. At the same time, it isn't something that needs to destroy your life. I am glad I can make you happy, and as much as this scares the crap out of me; when I am with you it doesn't matter. There was a time you and I would never talk, not like this. I am so thankful for your friendship, and for your willingness to listen. I hope I do the same for you. As I said before, I hope you understand, if I absolutely need to make that decision I will, but I don't see a point in worrying about that right now. We will see how it goes, and take it one day at a time.  For now; remember I am here for you no matter what.

Peace, Quiet and Friendship

Sometimes we all need someone to talk to, most of the time we chose specific people for specific things, after all no one can be trusted with everything, but everyone can be trusted with something right? A relationship never seems to be so complete, and yet so changing when you are sitting together under the stars talking. Words are pure, lies do not exist and appearances don't matter, unless you end up grabbing or touching something you're not suppose to. At that point life seems so perfect, and yet the world can be spinning around you, your mind can be filled with troublesome thoughts and it all can come out with no worries at all. The truth will set you free, even if it doesn't it sure makes you feel a bit better to know someone understands. The only limits are the stars, which are perfect and yet always changing and chaos is beautiful. 

Picnik Program

I just made this through picassa directing me through the picnic program, this is pretty sweet!

Please keep in mind the word collages are mine, as well as all the photos on this blog don't take credit for them yourself.

Post its!

These two things are both made out of the simple polyhedral piece.
The first - Moving Cubes:

First make 16 cubes

hook them together (this is harder than it looks) make sure they are opposites

Build

Make them move

This one is 90 units. This is made out of 3X3 post its (the super sticky kind unfortunately they made it harder to fold the pieces because the sticky would tear the paper.)

 This next one is made out of the same units, it is 120 units and is made out of 2X2 post it notes. (My mother doesn't buy post its unless they are odd shapes now because this is what happens to them...)